Getting a Relationship Tune-Up Before the Gasket Blows

AMY WILLARD CROSS. Globe and Mail, August 23, 2007
http://tgam.ca/B3l (via @globeandmail)

Vancouver couple Grace and Rob recently spent 24 hours improving their relationship.
Their coupledom had not been nicked by infidelity. They weren't fighting so dirty that the bad words wouldn't wash off. They weren't teetering on divorce - indeed, they weren't even married yet.

But it was not as good as it gets for this dating couple, so Rob's friend recommended couples coaching.

"You don't know what kind of baggage you're bringing into a new relationship until you get into one," says Rob.

About to move in together, Grace and Rob (who asked that their real names not be used) are part of a growing trend toward relationship maintenance - often called marriage enhancement or enrichment.

"I learned not only to check myself and communicate in a different way, but I became aware of his feelings," says Grace. "I did a complete 360, and was really ashamed and embarrassed."

Dealing with problems before it's too late is starting to catch on.
Provincial marriage and family therapy associations have started offering free "marriage checkups" with a therapist so couples can assess their relationship's health.

The practice has gained enough traction that in the spring of 2006, the Canadian Forces initiated Basic Relationship Training (BRT) at all of its bases. Many branches of the U.S. military do the same.

"As the profession of marriage and family therapy grew, there was a recognition of the need to do [preventive] stuff," says Annette Dekker, president of the Ontario Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.

Most people are pushed to seek a marriage therapist because they are having big problems. Typically, according to Ms. Dekker, couples wait six years to call a therapist after realizing that their "us" is not perfectly healthy.

Meanwhile, animosity and bitterness build up like hard-water scale on pipes. "Often, by that time, it's too late," says Ms. Dekker.

But among therapists and counsellors who advertise enrichment or enhancement, some estimate that 10 to 15 per cent of clients come to improve a relationship that does not seem problematic.

Couples are also attending classes, programs and retreats such as Getting the Love You Want, the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) or the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills (PAIRS) course.

The Canadian forces launched relationship training because "we wanted to be very cutting-edge and proactive," says Erika Lefebvre, a psychologist with the program Strengthening the Forces.

Ms. Lefebvre says her program is about building skills, not spill-your-guts counselling.

Even if couples aren't being deployed, she says, "I think anybody could benefit from this - a relationship requires regular maintenance."

Toronto therapist Sonya Gotziaman says relationship training makes sense because "our main role models are our parents and TV and movies, and I don't know which is scarier."

Rob and Grace say counsellor duo Michael and Janice Inch of Vancouver helped them to identify the triggers that make them react, then gave them tools to manage them. "We need to learn not to react," says Rob. "It's reactive behaviour that digs a hole for us."

Montreal's Sharon Shenker says many of her clients are seeking relationship enhancement and are attracted by her use of the Myers-Briggs personality test, which is commonly employed in corporate settings.

Knowing their personality types helps couples learn, understand and manage their differences, Ms. Shenker says.

Couples she has helped through divorce will sometimes return with a new spouse to head off problems before they begin, she adds.

Sometimes, life transitions push couples to get a little fortification.

Leah MacInnes, a Victoria-based marriage and family therapist, has had many clients who are dealing with a second marriage, a baby or an empty nest.

"Life transitions are difficult, and difficult times pull us apart or bring us together," Ms. MacInnes says. Seeing a therapist for preventive sessions can also be a money-saver: it will require fewer appointments and come nowhere near the cost of a divorce, she says.

Ms. MacInnes and her husband got a taste of her own medicine when they sought counselling during a stressful period.

"I'm a therapist, I know how to communicate, but sometimes there are things I can't see," she says. "Having a neutral party there to say 'What did you mean? What's your reaction?' helps to get you out of rut."

How Well Do You Listen To Each Other?

Did you read this article yet?

How Well Do You Listen To Each Other?
Does your partner do something than annoys you?

Have you been telling him/her for so long that it feels like you have been saying the same thing, over and over, forever? Are you at your wits end about it? Feeling fed up trying… maybe even feeling certain that they don’t care what you want because they ignore you?...

To read the rest, please view my other blog at:
http://lovingtherightways.blogspot.com/HowWellDoYouListenToEachOther


Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce. For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email Sharon directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com

Divorce As Friends?

Did you hear the latest entertainment gossip about Courtney Cox and David Arquette?
Well, they have joined the many other young couples who have recently separated with young children, because of an affair.

They say they 'remain best friends.' What a great plan. I wish every divorcing couple would at least have that as their intention instead of the old approach of going to war right away. I am all for amicable divorces. Unfortunately, emotions often win control over mature, rational thinking and throw the best of intentions right out the window. When it comes to an amicable divorce, a third party who will hold both parents accountable to behaving in the best manner possible for the sake of the children is often needed because if they were actually still best friends and amicable, they would not be getting a divorce. They would just be needing some help at rebuilding the magic and fun in their relationship.

Best wishes go out to Courtney and David that they will do better than the majority of couples we hear about in the news. I, for one, think it's about time the media shared more positive stories of couples succeeding with the plan of holding the mutual love for their children in highest standing - in every dealing with each other - so that they actually follow through with their good intentions.

Divorce Support Plus was created to help families reconstruct, rather than destruct, if the relationship cannot be rebuilt and saved because way too many children suffer in silence, with broken hearts, from witnessing their parents poor behavior before, during and after a divorce.

Here's to hoping that more and more parents grow up before their kids do.

Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
www.lovingtherightways.com
www.divorcesupportplus.ca
514.804.3585

The Divorced Barbie Doll

This is the latest divorce joke I just heard about:

"One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."

Unfortunately, there are so many people who still believe this old perspective on divorce. In fact, there are many OLD divorce cases where this was not even the case. For example, when I got divorced about twenty-eight years ago, my ex-husband was self-employed and managed to convince the court that he was so poor he couldn't event afford the minimum for two children... a few years later it was discovered that he paid more to lease each one of his cars two cars than he gave as child support and alimentary pension to me for his two daughters. I know a lot of women managed to 'take their men to the cleaners' or 'got the shirt off their backs' but this is not the norm.

If it was so common, why the heck would so many single mothers be struggling?! Why would so many children of divorce have to go to college/university with huge loan debts to pay back later? And, why did I not have all the luxuries my ex-husband and his second wife get to have?

Come on people. Stop making and spreading jokes like this that have nothing to do with reality nowadays. The court systems are doing their best to make sure that neither scenario ever happens again. Thank goodness!

Author:
Sharon Shenker, Founder of Divorce Support Plus
www.divorcesupportplus.ca

END the Silence of Domestic Violence NOW!

I'm keeping my eyes and ears on what Dr Phil plans on doing this year as he claims to be taking a stand this year to END THE SILENCE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

I hope you'll listen too and share some of your experiences.

Domestic violence does not usually begin with physical violence - please be aware, it normally starts with emotional control and put-downs, isolation, humiliation, etc., etc.

Are you a victim of abuse in a relationship? Was it a significant other? A parent? Sibling? Whether Dr Phil makes it a big issue for the year, I promise to.

Stay tuned for more discussions on the subject, and please, please, join in.


Author:

Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach

After many years of working with children and their often struggling families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com

How would you punish an adulterer?

I just read an online article about an Iranian woman who has been sentenced to such extreme punishment for committing adultery (when her husband was already dead!) and I just had to share it with you.

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/World/2010/09/06/15259181.html 
Did you notice the sentence that said he had died the year before?!?

After all my years of working with couples going through relationship difficulties and divorces, many of which were because of adultery, I am so glad we live in a country that does not stone the cheaters. Oh, don't get me wrong, I am sure as heck not saying cheating is okay. In fact, if any man I was in a relationship with cheated on me instead of working on any problematic issues we had that made him feel like looking elsewhere I would have no second thoughts about ending that relationship. That is partly because honesty and trust are really big issues to me, but mostly because I would have seen to it from get-go of dating me that I would never accept that behavior. No one ever cheated on me, if that's what you thought. It's that I know I would never feel that I could trust him again. I grew up in a family with a lot of lies and secrets, and my ex-husband lied a lot. I insist upon only being with people that I believe to honest and therefore trustworthy people.


I have worked with couples in which partners were totally oblivious to all the signs of a cheating partner, a few that did not care because they were also getting some outside, and plenty that were being so fooled it made me angry. I remember one couple that I actually had to tell the wife that if she wanted to continue working with me she had two weeks to inform her husband that she was cheating. I told her she did not have to tell him that her lover was her husband's best friend who was over at their home almost daily, but I will not  work or live against my values.

People who are lying to their partners and cheating on them are not going to be my clients because I have personal ethics that flow into my career. I work with couples to repair their relationship disconnect and rebuild their friendship and romantic bond... but, I do not think the cheaters should be stoned to death. I don't even think they all need to be divorced. Many couples I have worked with were able to heal and create a better relationship than they ever had - because they each worked through their own issues that they entered the marriage or relationship with.

All couples lives with issues; ever human being has issues. There are things about everyone's partner that annoys them or even drives them crazy. And none of us is a saint. We all do things that can drive our partner crazy - thank goodness most couples will learn how to accept each other, quirks and all. The idea of trying to improve a union is one of the best ideas most couples can make. I have never really believed that you just go to the justice of the peace, or your rabbi or priest and voila, you are happily married. I believe that you become married, truly married, over time, by going through all the big and small issues that you never really expected would come up and you didn't plan for... but you either found that your communicating and problem-solving skills (that you learned from your family of origin) were good enough to see you through the tough times, or you learned they did not suffice.... and hopefully sought some help before one of you got to that strange point of 'falling' out of love with the other.

Monogamy, to me, is one of the most basic concepts of marriage. A promise to forsake all others. A promise. Many of us have attachment issues from our childhood that can contaminate our relationships, but if we are old enough to marry, I think we should be wise enough to know when we need to seek some help for ourselves and/or for our relationships.

But, back to the article mentioned for just a moment, I do not believe in stoning someone for cheating on their dead or living husband or wife!

If you are in a long-term relationship that seems to need a kick in the love pants, and you need something to start you with, try this exercise with your partner:

Complete this sentence with as many responses as you can: "I feel loved and cared about when you..."
If one or both of you have trouble coming up with answers, sit quietly with your eyes closed, thinking back to the romantic stage of your relationship, and answer this question: "I used to feel loved and cared about when you..."

One of the most important truths for people to understand, in my professional opinion, is that marriages are not actually the means to wish fulfillment. Getting a mate does not mean the end to loneliness or discontent with oneself. Marriage means having someone to go through life with... and hopefully, falling in love with over and over - but it must be with the same person!

And if your partner does commit adultery, please do not 'bobbit it' or stone him or her to death. If seeking outside help does not bring your relationship to a better place for each of you, and life in your household has become a living hell for your kids, then divorce might be the answer... but, even then, you will need to learn how to communicate and make decisions together, for the sake of your children, and so that you both get to be at their weddings!

About the Author:
Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com
Please do not copy this article without the complete copyright information.

Can a divorce be amicable?

I have devoted about thirty years of my life working with children and their families. During the first fifteen or so years, my 'clients' were the children, but I talked with their parents regularly. Conversation were not just about how the kids had behaved that day. Most conversations were actually about parenting skills, parenting style differences between the parents, and issues within their relationships that had nothing to do with the children or child-rearing. I heard about so much emotional pain, confusion and suffering within some of those family homes. And, obviously, I was not spared; I had my own relationship difficulties, unhappiness, and fear.

During and after my high conflict divorce, I was convinced that there had to be somewhere for people to receive more help while going through all the emotional pain, confusion, agonies, fear and/or regret that separation and divorce can bring. We all want to get to the other side... to move on with our lives, amicably...

I couldn't find anyone to help me in those days, so I've worked very hard at becoming good at helping other people do this. I chose to specialize in helping other families, couples and individuals on the verge of divorce or already going through one. And I still often think of the children as my 'clients' but their parents pay me to help them.

See, I would never want to offend any of my clients, or make them any more upset than they already are with divorce looming over them. And, I hope you believe me and understand this because... I truly believe that many, many parents are the cause of their children's pain and suffering during and after a divorce. In fact, that's why I wrote my book, My Family Has Two Houses; to help the children cope with and recover from their parents' divorce.

So, here's the first part of what I want to say to any parent on the verge of divorce...

• Divorce can sure as heck bring out the worst in anyone... but it doesn't have to... if you are prepared with support from a third party who is both a professional and not emotionally involved. 
• Divorce can bring personal pain, confusion, and feelings of failure or devastation... but it doesn't have to... if you are prepared about more than the financial and legal aspects of divorce.
• Divorce can be a time of weakness, fear, and despair... but it doesn't have to. As strange as it sounds, divorce can be turned into a time of personal growth and therefore become a positive experience... when you are really prepared, mentally and emotionally, with the right information and guidance.
• Divorce can be an expensive paper and word battle field with your personal information being shared with strangers... but it doesn't have to... You don't have to participate in the traditional war on paper through affidavits being sent back and forth to your lawyers, and in front of a judge in court. You can choose to have a more cooperative and emotionally mature divorce... and spend the saved money on yourself and your kids!

In all my years of working with troubled, divorcing and divorced families I can tell you in total honesty that this is truly the only attitude and choice of behavior that will give you the best chance of a decent, respectful, fair, thoughtful and positive divorce... with the chance of a peaceful enough co-parenting relationship that you can move on towards a positive future.

With the help of a me as your coach, I guarantee that you will:

• receive the information and guidance you need to communicate this choice to your lawyer.
• be confident in knowing that you will not be cheated or misguided during the divorce.
• discover ways to reduce anger within yourself as well as how not to escalate your partner's anger.
• learn and practice ways to handle and respond appropriately, rather than emotionally reacting.
• improve your self-esteem and reduce any sense of shame or embarrassment about your divorce.
• become aware of the fact that each of us is 100% responsible for our actions... and therefore, know that if your partner cheated on you, it was not because of you.
• experience an amicable divorce so that you and your children can live in peace and harmony.

I'm sure YOU want everyone to get along as well as possible while going through this tough process of not just a legal divorce, but an emotional one... and a family reconstruction, not destruction.... don't you?!?




Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com