Parental Alienation Syndrome, Part Three

PAS Q & A, Part Three
(copied from a Parental Alienation Awareness Organization handout)

PARENTAL ALIENATION
Undermining and interfering with a normal child-parent bond.

Raising Awareness of Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting



Because most people do not know about PA until they experience it, the idea of Parental Alienation Awareness Organization was put forth to help raise awareness and provide education about this growing problem of mental and emotional child abuse.
Our goal is to educate the general public, schools, police, mental health counselors, religious leaders, as well as the perpetrators who may be unaware of the effect of alienating behaviors, and how these behaviors harm children. Our goal is education. We believe that with education comes understanding, and the will and power to stop the emotional and mental abuse of children.

HOW CAN YOU HELP A CHILD AND HIS/HER REJECTED PARENT?

If you are a teacher, counsellor, coach, clergyman, parent of the child’s friend, friend, or family member:

 Listen to the child, without negating what the child is saying, regardless of how outlandish it may be (that is the child’s reality) and then encourage the child to hear the rejected parent’s point of view. Appeal to the child’s maturity by saying that is the way mature people handle conflicts.
 Appeal to the child’s intellect by encouraging him/her to carefully consider ideas or statements that are blatantly false or outlandish.
 Point out to the child how persuasive advertising can influence a person’s thinking and try to relate that to the child’s thinking about the rejected parent.
 Look for books or movies that can stimulate discussion about the importance of two parents and the sadness of having only one parent.
 Look for opportunities to provide positive input about the targeted parent.

To find out more about Parental Alienation Awareness Organization, see www.PAAwareness.org

The information provided in some of the series have been based in part on the following works:

Baker, A.J.L. (2007). Adult children of parental alienation syndrome: Break the ties that bind. NY:W.W.Norton

Clawar, S.S. & Rivlan, B. (1991). Children held hostage: Dealing with programmed and brainwashed children. Chicago, IL:American Bar Association.

Darnall, D. (1998). Divorce Casualties: Protecting your children from parental alienation. Lanham, MI:Taylor Trade.

Rand, D., Rand, R., & Kopetski, L. (2005). The Spectrum of Parental Alienation Syndrome Part 111: The Kopetski Follow-up Study. American Journal of Forensic Psychology, 23(1), 15-43.

Warshak, R. (2001). Divorce Poison: Protecting the parent-child bond from a vindictive ex. NY:HarperCollins.

PAS Series: High Conflict vs Parental Alienation

UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT IN SEPARATING COUPLES

PART ONE: High Conflict divorce and Mild to Moderate Alienation

Correction: I mistakenly reported Dr Campbell as thperson who said, “Just as early detection of cancer can save live, Early detection of PAS can save families.” It was actually Dr Kathleen Reay who said it… so, thanks Dr Reay!

Let’s begin by answering a simple question: How common is conflict in separating couples?


Most divorces and separations have at least some conflict, but the majority of couples are said to be able to handle and work through their problems with the relationship ending on reasonably good terms. I keep reading about a statistic that states that only 10% of break-ups are actually high-conflict cases that require court intervention. I think that is a rather low figure – why else is so much attention needed and focused on helping this minimal 10% of families?

The majority of people experiencing high-conflict separations and divorces, however few or many there are, might be very surprised to read this and learn that some of their behaviour and dynamic is now considered by most professionals and experts in the field to be even more serious than most people think, and called Parental Alienation (PA).

For a long time, highly conflicted couples were taught decision-making, problem-solving, and effective communication skills because it was believed that they were lacking the appropriate skills to get along in a business-like fashion after the split. Around the same time, every city, church, synagogue, social worker, therapist, and Family Life Educators, began offering specialty Divorce Support Groups, Parenting Education and Co-Parenting Workshops, similar to all of mine at Divorce Support Plus from 1999-2005. Groups were considered to be essential forms of Adult Education and provided the perfect arena for a sense of belonging and not being the only one with such a problem. Naturally, for those who like being in groups, to hear other people’s situations and how they are handling them and to speak up if one chose to. Supervised Visitation programs and centers opened up, with social workers and psychologists on staff, like the ones in my own city, (PCAAP) Parent-Child Assisted Access Program begun with the aid of Dominic D’Abate, and AMCAL. Family Courts will overwhelmed with family court cases that were being handled by lawyers trained in the adversarial approach, so finally, Mediation began to be offered as a means of a way to reduce battling over the largest, and smallest of issues. Then, along came Collaborative Divorce and Collaborative Divorce Teams, but still many, if not the majority of theses families, were not able to be helped.

What is it about conflict during and after a divorce that makes it so difficult to be resolved and/or stopped?

Some of the issues resulting in conflict can and often do get resolved by Divorce & Parent Education Programs. For example, “After the Storm: Resolving Post-Separation Conflict” offers an excellent program that is based on sensitizing and educating parents in the skills to resolve disputes on their own. But, as good as this program is for high conflict families, those who are experiencing more than “just” high conflict, and are living through “alienation” need a different type of intervention than this service provides.

So, what is the difference between high-conflict, and alienation?

Conflict is a part of life. But, while conflict is inevitable even within marriages where the two parties still love each other and plan on staying together, many couples never resolved one of the initial stages in relationships in which we learn how to negotiate and compromise our two belief systems and views. So, if/when these couples do not seek help to save their relationship by tuning up on their communication, active listening, assertive communication, and problem-solving skills (along with some family-of- origin work) they get to battle it out and/or learn how to do all of this with each other while going through a divorce – if they have children. If there are no children, they get to go on their separate merry ways, never learning how to communicate with each other effectively, but have no need to. But, hopefully, they will learn how to accomplish this stage in relationships with their next partner.

Alienation is totally different!
Here is what the dictionary shares for alienation:
–noun
1. the act of alienating.
2. the state of being alienated.
–verb (used with object), -at•ed, -at•ing.
1. to make indifferent or hostile: He has alienated his entire family.
2. to turn away; transfer or divert: to alienate funds from their intended purpose.

And, this is what Dr. Douglas Darnall describes as parental alienation (PA):
“rather than PAS, as any constellation of behaviors, whether conscious or unconscious, that could evoke a disturbance in the relationship between a child and the other parent.”

To make it simple, the difference between high conflict divorce and alienation or parental alienation, is that high conflict is between the two parents. It might affect issues relating to the children, such as access time with them, money towards their needs, or even whose parenting style will be best in child-rearing the said child, but it is not literally trying to destroy a healthy, nurturing relationship between the child(ren) and the other parent for no apparent reason. Parental alienation has a ‘targeting’ parent and a ‘targeted’ parent.

Some typical methods of engaging in parental alienation, will include such things as:
• interfering with visitation or access time with/for the targeted parent
• telling lies to the child(ren) about the targeted parent
• making telephone contact very difficult, never private or denying any for the targeted parent
• speaking poorly of the targeted parent to the children
• speaking poorly of the target parent to other people in the presence of the children
• convincing the child(ren) that the targeted parent is either not good or not needed

Parental Alienation is the act of one parent, consciously or unconsciously, turning the child(ren) against the other parent, with no real justification, through the use of manipulation, lies, fear, delusions, false accusations, loyalty issues, threats of withdrawal of love, morality issues, and more. Parental Alienation in Mild to Moderate forms can still be prevented from turning into full-blown PAS if caught in time! Strategies used in true PAS are now be likened to those used by cult leaders to brainwash their followers.

But, not all children who do not see or do not want to see a parent are doing so because of Parental Alienation, and we will get into that in Part Two: The Difference Between PAS and Estrangement

Don’t forget to leave comments so that you can be heard… and maybe help someone else or be helped yourself! Plus keep coming back for the rest of this series, and all others following. Yes, follow me so you know when I post new blog articles!


Sharon Shenker, Marriage & Family Coach
After many years of already working with children and their families, in 1999 Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns or to assist them through and beyond a family reconstruction - without destruction!

For further information,
www.divorcesupportplus.ca
phone: 514.804.3585,
skype: sharon.shenker
email: sharonshenker@gmail.com

All articles written by Sharon Shenker, are copyrighted, and can be used elsewhere but must include contact information.

Parental Alienation Syndrome

A lot of couples going through a separation and divorce have so much emotional baggage still from the marriage that they confuse issues and end up in high conflict with their former partner instead of being able to build a healthy co-parenting relationship. The children suffer so much!

This sort of thing happens to way too many families, and as a mother and former preschool teacher, that is part of the reason I chose the career, or niche of working with families experiencing relationship difficulties such as pending divorce or going through one. I wanted and still want to protect the children. They are so ill-equipped to go through a divorce and family reconstruction.

Children are so helpless from getting sucked into whatever drama is going on between their parents. And, if one of their parents' is more than just difficult to get along with because of his or her anger, but has motives of their own to become what is known as the 'alienating parent' in a case of parental alienation, the kids need some serious help.

The most interesting type of help I'm referring to is a program I recently became aware of. You can read about it yourself in an article from the Globe and Mail, called "Judge rules father brainwashed son in hating mother" dated May 15, 2008.

The article states that "This is a precedent in Canada - the first time a Canadian court has recognized the lack of resources to deal with the disease of parental alienation and answered it with a private remedy - the Family Workshop for Alienated Children," when a judge ordered a "13-year-old Ontario boy whose domineering father systematically brainwashed him into hating his mother can be flown against his will to a U.S. facility that deprograms children who suffer from parental alienation, an Ontario Superior Court judge has ruled." Amazing!

I am attending a Symposium for Parental Alienation Syndrome this weekend, here in Montreal's Dawson College, and I truly look forward to hearing the esteemed experts in the field. I was honored to be personally invited to attend such an invitation only event, and will surely share some information here.

The Keynote Speaker for Saturday is William Bernet, M.D. Other presenters are going to be Douglas Darnall, and Ph.D., S. Richard Sauber, Ph.D.

On Sunday, the Keynote Speaker will be someone I actually know and have worked with on a family case, Abe Worenklein, Ph.D. Other speakers that day will be Terence W. Campbell, Ph.D., and Dr. Michael Bone, along with the Conference Mediator, Glenn R. Caddy, Ph.D. What a list of esteemed professionals!

I certainly hope that none of my readers are living through such a traumatic and damaging life experience. If anyone is, please know that I feel for you and wish for you to get the help you and your loved ones need.

I will post more on this topic in the coming weeks.

Sharon Shenker, Family Life & Relationships Coach
P.S. The picture with this article is of my daughters close to thirty years ago, when they were living through their own parents' disturbing divorce. Fortunately, they each survived and became wonderful people. One of my girls is a Youth Worker in group homes, and the other used to be a Paralegal in a Family Law firm, and is now the proud Mom of my little grandson, and wife of a great guy who is the manager of a bank branch. So... we can (usually) survive and thrive despite divorce!

If I could I would tell Mommy and Daddy...

‘If I could, I would tell mommy and daddy…’

Saturday, December 1, 2007
By MensNewsDaily, Glenn Sacks





Sharon Shenker’s My Family Has Two Houses is a book for kids about divorce. It’s jarring, because it reminds us of just how difficult things can be these kids, and how fragile these situations can be.

On the page pictured, it urges kids to “Hang in there…hold on…don’t give up” and asks kids to finish the sentence “If I could, I would tell mommy and daddy…”

I wonder what most kids caught in a divorce would ask?

Perhaps the most touching scene of PBS’s 2006 documentary Kids & Divorce: For Better or Worse was when they filmed a little boy caught in his parents divorce. The boy sobbed, “I don’t want to vote.”

I imagine that many kids of divorce would tell their warring parents the same thing.

2 Responses to “‘If I could, I would tell mommy and daddy…’”


1.
amfortas Says:
December 3rd, 2007 at 4:33 am

No-fault divorce, “In the best interests of the children”. Who can fault it?
The children for a start…..

But we can’t let sentimentality stand in the way of women throwing off the oppression of marriage to Men !! ™, can we.


2.
DcFather Says:
December 3rd, 2007 at 7:55 am

Sounds like some psychobabble coming from a shrink/psychologist/social woker looking for an angle to cash in on divorce, like all of the other whores of the divorce court.

Why not approach and testify before Congress and state legislatures about the harmful effects upon children of the current divorce regime, and force them to choose between money for lawyers and hate fodder for feminists, or doing what is right for children and families for a change. Answer: There’s no money in that.


Ouch, that would hurt if my book was not put together for the kids without any psychobabble....on purpose.

Here's a little information on My Family Has Two Houses, a 50+ page interactive 'workshop in a workbook' for school-aged children of divorce.

Divorce is one of the most traumatic life events that children experience, and conflict between parents is so high that they often cause the children to get caught in the middle of their emotionally-charged disputes... Yet, by law, both parents have to give permission for a child to receive professional help in the form of counseling, child or family coaching, and very sadly, many parents don't give that permission.

So, here's what I did - I turned the exercises from the DivorceSmarts Program I created and have been using with children, with great success, for many years into a "workshop in a workbook" for school-aged children to use at home, in school or as part of a an organizations peer support group as a preventive measure to be used now instead of waiting for them to need professional intervention later!

These interactive workbooks get kids exploring some pretty deep emotions without coming across as a boring text book or therapy tool. Each page encourages the child to explore, journal or color pictures that reflect their feelings and thoughts while learning, venting, gaining new insight and skills... and acceptance of their new family situation.


Not just for divorced parents...

For anyone who works with children of divorce!


Professional Endorsements for the book:

"My Family Has Two Houses is a well thought-out workbook for children caught in the maze of confusion during and following a divorce. The compassionate tone, helpful exercises and suggestions, coupled with the great design and visuals, are a perfect resource to help children open up to what they are feeling and needing from the adults in their lives. Every divorcing parent should share this valuable book with their children. Thank you Sharon Shenker!"

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, Author, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?


"A very helpful and insightful book, filled with fun activities that speak to the universal issues that children face when parents divorce. Ms. Shenker has a wonderful knack for making psychological medicine taste good."

Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, Psychologist & Social Worker, www.lovevictory.com


To obtain your copy of the book, please go to: http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca/buy_my_book.html 

After the Split

After the Split

First holidays after parting ways with partner are difficult but manageable, experts say.

Lauren La Rose, The Canadian Press, TORONTO

The holidays are widely regarded as a time for family togetherness, to indulge and savour in shared traditions from social gatherings to gift exchanges that are indelibly tied to the festive season.

But for families fragmented by separation or divorce, thoughts of participating in celebrations can be tough to conjure up, particularly for those heading into the first holiday season after parting ways with their significant other.

"We're all accustomed to the big hype about this holiday season, whether it's Hanukkah or Christmas we celebrate,'' said Sharon Shenker, a divorced mother of two and a family and relationship coach with Montreal-based Divorce Support Plus.

"The radio doesn't stop with the cheery music talking about love and happiness and family and good cheer, and when somebody's getting over basically the devastation of their whole life and all their future plans and dreams, it's not an easy time.''

Calgary-based registered psychologist Brian Zelt said any time there is a major holiday or event, the rituals and emotions connected to those dates tend to draw out greater tensions for many people who are splitting up.

"When there's been a lot of tension and conflict that hasn't been resolved during the course of a separation or divorce, I think these are often times -- the dates and points on a calendar -- where some of this conflict renews itself more vigorously because certainly there's a lot of things attached.''

Regardless of how acrimonious the split is, Shenker said the key thing for parents to remember is children deserve to celebrate the holiday -- whether the parents really feel like it or not.

"That's the number one responsibility of being a parent: to know how to hide your own grief and anger and be there for your kids in the way that they need you to be. They're counting on you.''

But it's not easy, particularly when a couple who once lived under one roof and shared in family festivities must now navigate the tricky territory of marking the time separately with their children.

Zelt said it's important for parents to co-ordinate schedules in advance, engaging in discussion not only about dates in question but some of the activities that are going to be occurring to prevent overlap.

He also suggests if parents are purchasing presents separately they should share what they plan on buying to avoid duplication.

Zelt said he has heard stories of one-upmanship surrounding the holidays or gifts, and some parents choosing not to do particular activities or events because that's a reminder of the other parent. There are also instances where parents purchase extravagant or lavish gifts to compensate for their absence.

Zelt said it's important to not get into the game of trying to "outlove'' your children more than the other parent.

"They need to see balance, particularly from one consistent or stable parent figure in this and realize their love isn't something that can be purchased or bought, and I think early on it's a challenge because kids can't differentiate that,'' he said.

"I think when children are older and they begin to realize there's a flood of activity around certain dates . . . they begin to establish some of those connections in their head themselves that, 'Hey, wait a minute: why do I get something fantastic on one day and then not see them and not have contact for the other 360 days a year.' ''

Glenn Cheriton, executive director of the Ottawa-based Canadian Council for Co-Parenting, who moderates a monthly support group for separated and divorced parents, said another issue that can arise surrounding gifts is when they're used as emotional gameplay.

"To my mind, I have less of a problem with parents competing as to see who can actually give the best gift to the child and more concerned about the emotional content of certainly denying a gift to a child or taking a gift that is supposed to be for a child and then trashing it or sending it back,'' he said.

"That I think is one of those things that is really quite destructive, and that's certainly something that hurts and that is designed to hurt.''

The holidays can be especially tough for the parent who is solo for the first time without their kids.

Shenker, whose children are now 28 and 30, divorced when they were just two and four years old. She said the hardest part of the holidays, or any time the kids were with their dad, was figuring out what to do with herself.

For her, readjusting to single life meant going to a restaurant with a book, taking off her watch and staying there for at least 40 minutes on her own.

Despite how tough it can be, spending time on your own with your kids can present a silver lining: Shenker said it offers the opportunity to create new traditions.
Maybe it's renting a bunch of movies and cosying up under the covers with popcorn, she said. Or perhaps one parent loved the idea of carolling, but their partner didn't. Now that's something they can share with their kids, she added.

"It's up to each parent to talk to their child and decide what feels right for them.''

http://news.therecord.com/Life/article/455598

Update on this article:
My daughters are now 30 and almost 32. How time flies!
To top it off, I not only have a son-in-law, but I am also a grandmother!
You can see some pictures of my family on my facebook page.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/profile.php?id=769419182

The Divorced Barbie Doll

This is the latest divorce joke I just heard about:

"One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."

Unfortunately, there are so many people who still believe this old perspective on divorce. In fact, there are many OLD divorce cases where this was not even the case. For example, when I got divorced about twenty-eight years ago, my ex-husband was self-employed and managed to convince the court that he was so poor he couldn't event afford the minimum for two children... a few years later it was discovered that he paid more to lease each one of his cars two cars than he gave as child support and alimentary pension to me for his two daughters. I know a lot of women managed to 'take their men to the cleaners' or 'got the shirt off their backs' but this is not the norm.

If it was so common, why the heck would so many single mothers be struggling?! Why would so many children of divorce have to go to college/university with huge loan debts to pay back later? And, why did I not have all the luxuries my ex-husband and his second wife get to have?

Come on people. Stop making and spreading jokes like this that have nothing to do with reality nowadays. The court systems are doing their best to make sure that neither scenario ever happens again. Thank goodness!

Author:
Sharon Shenker, Founder of Divorce Support Plus
www.divorcesupportplus.ca

CoParenting For Your Children's Sake

While divorce or separation means the end of a relationship for two adults, quite often they are parents, and I don't think any parent should think that no longer being with their once upon a time lover is valid reason for a departure from shared, joint or cooperative parenting.

An article on Pfizer's new More Than Medication site, Co-parenting: for your children's sake, that I helped write says:

“If parents are divorced or separated, then their children will only do as well in adapting to a new lifestyle as their parents are,” says Sharon Shenker, therapeutic Family and Relationship Coach. “Having a co-parenting plan in place helps these children feel more secure, self-assured and self-confident.”

One of the biggest problems I have with court judgments and their supposed parenting or co-parenting plans is that they can be too brief and very, very often overestimate the capacity of both parents to actually cooperate with each other.

So many of these legally drafted plans do not even anticipate or put in anything that accounts for the challenges of everyday life, like who picks up or drops off Little Joey Jr. from baseball practices(?), who sits and watches his practices or games(?), are both Mom and Dad expected to attend these events alone, etc., etc. What about Joey Jr's changing needs as he grows?

In the article I was further quoted as saying:

“A co-parenting plan is basically a blueprint outlining the details of how you’re going to be establishing and sustaining your two-parent relationship while living in two different houses,” says Sharon. “Since not living in the same house usually means not communicating every day to decide who is doing what at the moment, this pre-planning is essential for success.”

Here are Sharon Shenker's top tips for developing a plan that works:

1. Determine your list of things to discuss. Each parent should draw up a list of discussion items. This list could include anything from dropping off and picking up from school to doctor’s appointments and special events. And both parents should understand and be familiar with their children's everyday needs in case the other has to step in.
2. Agree on emergency contact info. Agree on who gets contacted and who is the secondary contact should the first parent not be available. You may also have the option to have both parents contacted at the same time. If that’s the case, take it. While that may sound basic, outdated emergency contact info after a divorce or separation is quite common and, obviously, can lead to big concerns for children in need of their parents.
3. Set a schedule for daily things. Depending on custody agreements, it’s likely that only one parent handles the routine school pick-up and drop-offs. However, parents shouldn’t ignore out-of-the-ordinary occurrences; for example, weekend sports practice and games, special clubs and birthday parties with friends.
4. Plan for holidays. Decide in advance which parent gets the children for the holidays — including summer and March break. Also plan for out-of-town trips for special occasions or if the children will spend time alone with grandparents who live in a different city. Having all of this set out makes it easier when the time actually comes. Holiday details should be in writing in a calendar format and parents should also include time for their children to relax so that they’re not constantly carted around from one place to another.
5. Don’t forget about discipline. It’s common for newly divorced or separated couples to continue or start fighting about different parenting styles — and that includes discipline. But it’s important for both parents to be consistent. Agree on how to discipline your children and how that discipline will be maintained when children stay with their other parent. Sharon recommends parents compile a “Rule Book” that outlines agreed punishments and rewards and have a copy in each household to ensure consistency.
6. Work with a mediator — particularly if your separation isn’t an amicable one. By working with a mediator or divorce coach, you’ll be better able to come up with a comprehensive plan that suits your family’s needs. Just be sure to work at coming together in a non-threatening and non-judgmental way and keep the focus on what your children need.

While it’s easy to sometimes blurt out things in anger or frustration, Sharon suggests that you first ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say or do going to benefit or hurt my children?”

Useful link -

The following article on the More Than Medication site has a quiz I created that is helpful in seeing how well you are doing with regards to your 'emotional divorce.' It is called : Quiz: Are you stuck in Splitsville?












Sharon Shenker Founder, Divorce Support Plus http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca http://www.lovingtherightways.com Phone: 514.804.3585