I just read an online article about an Iranian woman who has been sentenced to such extreme punishment for committing adultery (when her husband was already dead!) and I just had to share it with you.
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/World/2010/09/06/15259181.html
Did you notice the sentence that said he had died the year before?!?
After all my years of working with couples going through relationship difficulties and divorces, many of which were because of adultery, I am so glad we live in a country that does not stone the cheaters. Oh, don't get me wrong, I am sure as heck not saying cheating is okay. In fact, if any man I was in a relationship with cheated on me instead of working on any problematic issues we had that made him feel like looking elsewhere I would have no second thoughts about ending that relationship. That is partly because honesty and trust are really big issues to me, but mostly because I would have seen to it from get-go of dating me that I would never accept that behavior. No one ever cheated on me, if that's what you thought. It's that I know I would never feel that I could trust him again. I grew up in a family with a lot of lies and secrets, and my ex-husband lied a lot. I insist upon only being with people that I believe to honest and therefore trustworthy people.
I have worked with couples in which partners were totally oblivious to all the signs of a cheating partner, a few that did not care because they were also getting some outside, and plenty that were being so fooled it made me angry. I remember one couple that I actually had to tell the wife that if she wanted to continue working with me she had two weeks to inform her husband that she was cheating. I told her she did not have to tell him that her lover was her husband's best friend who was over at their home almost daily, but I will not work or live against my values.
People who are lying to their partners and cheating on them are not going to be my clients because I have personal ethics that flow into my career. I work with couples to repair their relationship disconnect and rebuild their friendship and romantic bond... but, I do not think the cheaters should be stoned to death. I don't even think they all need to be divorced. Many couples I have worked with were able to heal and create a better relationship than they ever had - because they each worked through their own issues that they entered the marriage or relationship with.
All couples lives with issues; ever human being has issues. There are things about everyone's partner that annoys them or even drives them crazy. And none of us is a saint. We all do things that can drive our partner crazy - thank goodness most couples will learn how to accept each other, quirks and all. The idea of trying to improve a union is one of the best ideas most couples can make. I have never really believed that you just go to the justice of the peace, or your rabbi or priest and voila, you are happily married. I believe that you become married, truly married, over time, by going through all the big and small issues that you never really expected would come up and you didn't plan for... but you either found that your communicating and problem-solving skills (that you learned from your family of origin) were good enough to see you through the tough times, or you learned they did not suffice.... and hopefully sought some help before one of you got to that strange point of 'falling' out of love with the other.
Monogamy, to me, is one of the most basic concepts of marriage. A promise to forsake all others. A promise. Many of us have attachment issues from our childhood that can contaminate our relationships, but if we are old enough to marry, I think we should be wise enough to know when we need to seek some help for ourselves and/or for our relationships.
But, back to the article mentioned for just a moment, I do not believe in stoning someone for cheating on their dead or living husband or wife!
If you are in a long-term relationship that seems to need a kick in the love pants, and you need something to start you with, try this exercise with your partner:
Complete this sentence with as many responses as you can: "I feel loved and cared about when you..."
If one or both of you have trouble coming up with answers, sit quietly with your eyes closed, thinking back to the romantic stage of your relationship, and answer this question: "I used to feel loved and cared about when you..."
One of the most important truths for people to understand, in my professional opinion, is that marriages are not actually the means to wish fulfillment. Getting a mate does not mean the end to loneliness or discontent with oneself. Marriage means having someone to go through life with... and hopefully, falling in love with over and over - but it must be with the same person!
And if your partner does commit adultery, please do not 'bobbit it' or stone him or her to death. If seeking outside help does not bring your relationship to a better place for each of you, and life in your household has become a living hell for your kids, then divorce might be the answer... but, even then, you will need to learn how to communicate and make decisions together, for the sake of your children, and so that you both get to be at their weddings!
About the Author:
Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com
Please do not copy this article without the complete copyright information.
Showing posts with label couples. Show all posts
Showing posts with label couples. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Stilettos and Cleavage or Natual Beauty, Which does Your Guy Prefer?
Over the years I have worked with so many couples that had trouble connecting... in the bedroom. They literally lost that loving feeling for each other and could not even imagine kissing or touching each other when they first came to see me. Imagine being in a relationship with such a disconnect!
There was one couple, she in her mid-thirties first marriage, him around fifty on his second marriage, that was in BIG trouble. He was so ready to walk out on her and she had no idea why. They married quickly because she had gotten pregnant within a few short months, even though he was considering ending their relationship. Ahh, what a warning sign! Well, back to this article...
This particular couple had not even found an attraction base for their marriage. They had a five year old daughter that was well taken care of, although each parent disagreed as to who the better parent was. They lived in a nice home according to him, not her. His family was normal and considerate of their space and hers was intrusive and controlling - according to him. And, so on, and so on.... but what really helped pull this couple together was rather cute. I found out that he daydreamed about her showing she cared enough about him by fixing herself up just once in a while. They had stopped having sex over a year ago and he could no longer imagine ever having 'those feelings' for her again.
He just did not feel turned on by her natural beauty. Her wavy hair was so wild she kept it short like a boy, according to him, and she never wore makeup because she thought her freckled face was still youthful and cute like when she was a kid. But, to him she did not look like a woman with sex appeal. He wanted a woman who worn stilettos and showed some cleavage.
So, soon after finding this out, I spoke with her in her next private session about putting some effort into spicing up her sex appeal for him, her husband, the only man she wanted to attract in that way. And, what success we had! A few days after my talk with her I received a phone call from him that I will never forget. He called to say, "I know it was you, and I can't thank you enough!" I played dumb, and said; "what are you talking about?'
He was at work and could hardly wait to get home because when his wife came down to leave for work she was wearing a beautiful low-cut top, a skirt that showed leg, and high heels. He couldn't believe his eyes, she even had makeup on and had done something with her hair that blew his mind. He was thrilled.
What he did not know was that she had her running shoes and both a pair of pants and t-shirt in her car for work... but she had finally done what her guy preferred and we had a base to work with. They continued working with me and dramatically changed and saved their marriage!
So... what does YOUR GUY prefer?
http://webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/se-sexy
Does he know what you prefer?And, are you BOTH Loving Each Other The Right Way???
(Don't tell me you're too old because Sexy is Ageless!!!)
Talk to you again soon,
Sharon Shenker
Founder, Divorce Support Plus
http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca
http://www.lovingtherightways.com
Phone: 514.804.3585
There was one couple, she in her mid-thirties first marriage, him around fifty on his second marriage, that was in BIG trouble. He was so ready to walk out on her and she had no idea why. They married quickly because she had gotten pregnant within a few short months, even though he was considering ending their relationship. Ahh, what a warning sign! Well, back to this article...
This particular couple had not even found an attraction base for their marriage. They had a five year old daughter that was well taken care of, although each parent disagreed as to who the better parent was. They lived in a nice home according to him, not her. His family was normal and considerate of their space and hers was intrusive and controlling - according to him. And, so on, and so on.... but what really helped pull this couple together was rather cute. I found out that he daydreamed about her showing she cared enough about him by fixing herself up just once in a while. They had stopped having sex over a year ago and he could no longer imagine ever having 'those feelings' for her again.
He just did not feel turned on by her natural beauty. Her wavy hair was so wild she kept it short like a boy, according to him, and she never wore makeup because she thought her freckled face was still youthful and cute like when she was a kid. But, to him she did not look like a woman with sex appeal. He wanted a woman who worn stilettos and showed some cleavage.
So, soon after finding this out, I spoke with her in her next private session about putting some effort into spicing up her sex appeal for him, her husband, the only man she wanted to attract in that way. And, what success we had! A few days after my talk with her I received a phone call from him that I will never forget. He called to say, "I know it was you, and I can't thank you enough!" I played dumb, and said; "what are you talking about?'
He was at work and could hardly wait to get home because when his wife came down to leave for work she was wearing a beautiful low-cut top, a skirt that showed leg, and high heels. He couldn't believe his eyes, she even had makeup on and had done something with her hair that blew his mind. He was thrilled.
What he did not know was that she had her running shoes and both a pair of pants and t-shirt in her car for work... but she had finally done what her guy preferred and we had a base to work with. They continued working with me and dramatically changed and saved their marriage!
So... what does YOUR GUY prefer?
http://webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/se-sexy
Does he know what you prefer?And, are you BOTH Loving Each Other The Right Way???
(Don't tell me you're too old because Sexy is Ageless!!!)
Talk to you again soon,
Sharon Shenker
Founder, Divorce Support Plus
http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca
http://www.lovingtherightways.com
Phone: 514.804.3585
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Can Relationship Coaching Help You and Your Partner?
If you and your long-term partner are having relationship problems (not including physical abuse) don't wait until it's too late!
Carefully look over the following list that research states as proven symptoms of relationship deterioration that are associated with an increased probability of a breakup or divorce down the road, or at least an unhappy relationship:
1. Feeling Distant from each other
2. An Increase in Arguing or Negativity
3. A Lack of Affection (from smiles to sex)
4. Increased Anger, Hostility, or Sarcasm
5. Avoidance of Each Other on a regular basis
6. Trust Issues
If you're already experiencing one or more of the signs listed above, be sure to take action soon to improve your situation... instead of losing the relationship.
I'm a firm believer that most couples don’t actually need psychotherapy, and that the majority of divorces did not actually have to take place if the couple had sought help soon enough. The main problem is usually simply a lack of skills in the areas of communication, assertive communication, expression of anger, commitment, conflict resolution skills, connection and/or intimacy and affection skills, to say the least.
It may seem obvious when you read this, but so many couples make the mistake of doing nothing until their own or their partner's unhappiness has become extreme. Here are the two most common situations:
1.) A couple comes in for a session, not sure whether they are separating or willing to try to put effort into saving the relationship by changing it, when one of them already does not believe there is much hope. They may have even been expressing their unhappiness or anger for a long time, but the other partner didn't believe the relationship would really come to an and... and basically ignored all the warning signs, hints and threats, until now.
2.) A couple comes in for a session, not sure whether or not they can fix their relationship because one partner has announced that they want a separation or divorce. The other is usually in shock, unaware that their relationship had become so bad that their partner would want to end it - even though there were many warning signs (if they had been watching and listening). As we talk it is revealed that the one who wants out has been telling the other for months or years, possibly beginning with demands or requests for changes in the relationship, but nothing was done.
How can it be that so many couples have been having such a tough time that statistical rates are so high for separations and divorces? Quite simply, there were no courses in school on relationship skills when the parents of today are divorcing. Whether within the family-of-origin, a friend's parents, or from watching television (yikes!) we only learned what we know by watching our role models. With that in mind, consider that not just your partner, but you also, may not know how to successfully resolve ongoing hurts/resentments, betrayals of trust, verbal abuse, and/or distance/lack of closeness in your relationship because you were never shown how. Think about it: If you were not receiving the love and attention you want/need do you know how to change that situation?
The good news is that these skills can all be taught. Even if only one partner is motivated and the other is simply willing to give it a try, coaching can make a big difference! How does relationship coaching help?
Imagine a basic problem of not feeling cared for.
Here's a homework assignment that the couple might be given:
Sitting face to face and holding hands or just having your knees touch, take turns sharing something that you appreciate about each other. Do three rounds, once a day. It can be something basic like, "I appreciate how well you take care of the kids" to "I really liked the effort you put into my last birthday present." If anything like that is still too difficult, it can even be, "Thanks for supper."
Give it a try and let me know how it went for you and your partner.
Carefully look over the following list that research states as proven symptoms of relationship deterioration that are associated with an increased probability of a breakup or divorce down the road, or at least an unhappy relationship:
1. Feeling Distant from each other
2. An Increase in Arguing or Negativity
3. A Lack of Affection (from smiles to sex)
4. Increased Anger, Hostility, or Sarcasm
5. Avoidance of Each Other on a regular basis
6. Trust Issues
If you're already experiencing one or more of the signs listed above, be sure to take action soon to improve your situation... instead of losing the relationship.
I'm a firm believer that most couples don’t actually need psychotherapy, and that the majority of divorces did not actually have to take place if the couple had sought help soon enough. The main problem is usually simply a lack of skills in the areas of communication, assertive communication, expression of anger, commitment, conflict resolution skills, connection and/or intimacy and affection skills, to say the least.
It may seem obvious when you read this, but so many couples make the mistake of doing nothing until their own or their partner's unhappiness has become extreme. Here are the two most common situations:
1.) A couple comes in for a session, not sure whether they are separating or willing to try to put effort into saving the relationship by changing it, when one of them already does not believe there is much hope. They may have even been expressing their unhappiness or anger for a long time, but the other partner didn't believe the relationship would really come to an and... and basically ignored all the warning signs, hints and threats, until now.
2.) A couple comes in for a session, not sure whether or not they can fix their relationship because one partner has announced that they want a separation or divorce. The other is usually in shock, unaware that their relationship had become so bad that their partner would want to end it - even though there were many warning signs (if they had been watching and listening). As we talk it is revealed that the one who wants out has been telling the other for months or years, possibly beginning with demands or requests for changes in the relationship, but nothing was done.
How can it be that so many couples have been having such a tough time that statistical rates are so high for separations and divorces? Quite simply, there were no courses in school on relationship skills when the parents of today are divorcing. Whether within the family-of-origin, a friend's parents, or from watching television (yikes!) we only learned what we know by watching our role models. With that in mind, consider that not just your partner, but you also, may not know how to successfully resolve ongoing hurts/resentments, betrayals of trust, verbal abuse, and/or distance/lack of closeness in your relationship because you were never shown how. Think about it: If you were not receiving the love and attention you want/need do you know how to change that situation?
The good news is that these skills can all be taught. Even if only one partner is motivated and the other is simply willing to give it a try, coaching can make a big difference! How does relationship coaching help?
Imagine a basic problem of not feeling cared for.
Here's a homework assignment that the couple might be given:
Sitting face to face and holding hands or just having your knees touch, take turns sharing something that you appreciate about each other. Do three rounds, once a day. It can be something basic like, "I appreciate how well you take care of the kids" to "I really liked the effort you put into my last birthday present." If anything like that is still too difficult, it can even be, "Thanks for supper."
Give it a try and let me know how it went for you and your partner.
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