Family Wellness Special

Announcement:

My Family Wellness Special is turning back the clock for individuals, couples or families who want my specializied help to stay together, reconstruct without destruction, or to reconnect after an absence....

My goal has always been to help other families stay intact, healthier and happier than their own life skills and strategies were able to create for themselves.

Now, after years after knowing and saying that I would not have been able to afford my own rates, to receive the help my family needed, I am dropping my fees to enable more families to benefit from my specialized services. So... my rate is back down to only $60. an hour (plus $1. a minute for any telephone, skype or face-to-face time above the one hour a week. This offer is only available to those who work with me for a minimum of one hour a week.)

Contact me for more information or to set up an appointment at sharonshenker@gmail.com or my direct cell phone line at 514-804-3585

Appointments are available week days, evenings and weekends.

PAS Series: High Conflict vs Parental Alienation

UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT IN SEPARATING COUPLES

PART ONE: High Conflict divorce and Mild to Moderate Alienation

Correction: I mistakenly reported Dr Campbell as thperson who said, “Just as early detection of cancer can save live, Early detection of PAS can save families.” It was actually Dr Kathleen Reay who said it… so, thanks Dr Reay!

Let’s begin by answering a simple question: How common is conflict in separating couples?


Most divorces and separations have at least some conflict, but the majority of couples are said to be able to handle and work through their problems with the relationship ending on reasonably good terms. I keep reading about a statistic that states that only 10% of break-ups are actually high-conflict cases that require court intervention. I think that is a rather low figure – why else is so much attention needed and focused on helping this minimal 10% of families?

The majority of people experiencing high-conflict separations and divorces, however few or many there are, might be very surprised to read this and learn that some of their behaviour and dynamic is now considered by most professionals and experts in the field to be even more serious than most people think, and called Parental Alienation (PA).

For a long time, highly conflicted couples were taught decision-making, problem-solving, and effective communication skills because it was believed that they were lacking the appropriate skills to get along in a business-like fashion after the split. Around the same time, every city, church, synagogue, social worker, therapist, and Family Life Educators, began offering specialty Divorce Support Groups, Parenting Education and Co-Parenting Workshops, similar to all of mine at Divorce Support Plus from 1999-2005. Groups were considered to be essential forms of Adult Education and provided the perfect arena for a sense of belonging and not being the only one with such a problem. Naturally, for those who like being in groups, to hear other people’s situations and how they are handling them and to speak up if one chose to. Supervised Visitation programs and centers opened up, with social workers and psychologists on staff, like the ones in my own city, (PCAAP) Parent-Child Assisted Access Program begun with the aid of Dominic D’Abate, and AMCAL. Family Courts will overwhelmed with family court cases that were being handled by lawyers trained in the adversarial approach, so finally, Mediation began to be offered as a means of a way to reduce battling over the largest, and smallest of issues. Then, along came Collaborative Divorce and Collaborative Divorce Teams, but still many, if not the majority of theses families, were not able to be helped.

What is it about conflict during and after a divorce that makes it so difficult to be resolved and/or stopped?

Some of the issues resulting in conflict can and often do get resolved by Divorce & Parent Education Programs. For example, “After the Storm: Resolving Post-Separation Conflict” offers an excellent program that is based on sensitizing and educating parents in the skills to resolve disputes on their own. But, as good as this program is for high conflict families, those who are experiencing more than “just” high conflict, and are living through “alienation” need a different type of intervention than this service provides.

So, what is the difference between high-conflict, and alienation?

Conflict is a part of life. But, while conflict is inevitable even within marriages where the two parties still love each other and plan on staying together, many couples never resolved one of the initial stages in relationships in which we learn how to negotiate and compromise our two belief systems and views. So, if/when these couples do not seek help to save their relationship by tuning up on their communication, active listening, assertive communication, and problem-solving skills (along with some family-of- origin work) they get to battle it out and/or learn how to do all of this with each other while going through a divorce – if they have children. If there are no children, they get to go on their separate merry ways, never learning how to communicate with each other effectively, but have no need to. But, hopefully, they will learn how to accomplish this stage in relationships with their next partner.

Alienation is totally different!
Here is what the dictionary shares for alienation:
–noun
1. the act of alienating.
2. the state of being alienated.
–verb (used with object), -at•ed, -at•ing.
1. to make indifferent or hostile: He has alienated his entire family.
2. to turn away; transfer or divert: to alienate funds from their intended purpose.

And, this is what Dr. Douglas Darnall describes as parental alienation (PA):
“rather than PAS, as any constellation of behaviors, whether conscious or unconscious, that could evoke a disturbance in the relationship between a child and the other parent.”

To make it simple, the difference between high conflict divorce and alienation or parental alienation, is that high conflict is between the two parents. It might affect issues relating to the children, such as access time with them, money towards their needs, or even whose parenting style will be best in child-rearing the said child, but it is not literally trying to destroy a healthy, nurturing relationship between the child(ren) and the other parent for no apparent reason. Parental alienation has a ‘targeting’ parent and a ‘targeted’ parent.

Some typical methods of engaging in parental alienation, will include such things as:
• interfering with visitation or access time with/for the targeted parent
• telling lies to the child(ren) about the targeted parent
• making telephone contact very difficult, never private or denying any for the targeted parent
• speaking poorly of the targeted parent to the children
• speaking poorly of the target parent to other people in the presence of the children
• convincing the child(ren) that the targeted parent is either not good or not needed

Parental Alienation is the act of one parent, consciously or unconsciously, turning the child(ren) against the other parent, with no real justification, through the use of manipulation, lies, fear, delusions, false accusations, loyalty issues, threats of withdrawal of love, morality issues, and more. Parental Alienation in Mild to Moderate forms can still be prevented from turning into full-blown PAS if caught in time! Strategies used in true PAS are now be likened to those used by cult leaders to brainwash their followers.

But, not all children who do not see or do not want to see a parent are doing so because of Parental Alienation, and we will get into that in Part Two: The Difference Between PAS and Estrangement

Don’t forget to leave comments so that you can be heard… and maybe help someone else or be helped yourself! Plus keep coming back for the rest of this series, and all others following. Yes, follow me so you know when I post new blog articles!


Sharon Shenker, Marriage & Family Coach
After many years of already working with children and their families, in 1999 Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns or to assist them through and beyond a family reconstruction - without destruction!

For further information,
www.divorcesupportplus.ca
phone: 514.804.3585,
skype: sharon.shenker
email: sharonshenker@gmail.com

All articles written by Sharon Shenker, are copyrighted, and can be used elsewhere but must include contact information.

Before You End It All

Don't let relationship difficulties destroy your family!

 

Before You End It All… try working on making your relationship better!

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN – YOU OWE IT TO THEM!

No one can promise it will be easy to rebuild the love after it feels lost - it will be difficult! - but it is possible. The reason is simple - marriage is not the problem, it's the two people in the marriage who create(d) the problems. Things may seem even more hopeless to you now that you've read that. You may be thinking, "Oh, great! Now we're really out of luck for saving our marriage." But that isn't true either. Because there's a secret I want to share…

If you're struggling in your marriage, it's probably because your parents struggled too. The thing is that we learn our interpersonal and relationship skills and techniques from our parents; the good and the bad ones. So, my question to you is, who's going to break the cycle? Will YOU be the one to change things for your kids and the generations to come? Or will your children have to suffer the same burden as you? It’s up to YOU. There's nothing better for your children than to be raised amidst the comfort and security of parents who love each other instead of being the victims of an unhappy and unhealthy family. If your children don't see love between you and your partner, (their parent or step-parent!) it won't really matter in the long run, where they go to school or how fashionably they get to dress. But, if they witness true love, you will be giving them the greatest gift life has to offer. How about it? Do you want to be a really great parent by doing everything you can to succeed with your marriage?

If you have no children and want to end a long-term relationship from someone you once loved… you might be thinking that what you just read does not apply to you and that you can just pick a plan from that song, `Fifty ways to leave your lover`` but, you are probably still wrong. So many people think that they will just find a ``better partner`` and all will be fine with their next relationship. Wouldn`t that be great! Just dump the lousy one and trade them in for a better model, as if people and relationships are disposable. Unfortunately, if we find ourselves in a relationship with someone whom we eventually believe have all the problems, created the problems or are the problem, we are usually very mistaken.

The simple truth is that if we come from a dysfunctional family, to whatever degree and about whatever issues, we are walking into our relationships with the blueprint for creating a toxic, troubled or dysfunctional relationship. We missed out on some of what we would have benefited from and we grew up with issues, wounds, insecurities, poor skills, etc. that were part of our baggage. If and when we are insecure, immature, angry, demanding, selfish, demeaning, and/or wounded as a result of our childhood or past relationships... we really can make a mess of things.

But, people can change! We can learn new behaviours, and stop ourselves from repeating the damaging ones. So, if you are in a committed relationship that is dying and you want to save your marriage (and put that spark back) into a whole new, healthy, loving, passionate relationship with the person you are already with you can… unless there was physical abuse.

    

Change is good, but it does not have to mean divorce?

 
               

Here are some of the ways to prevent a divorce:

1. Commit to saving the marriage. When a couple has children, I ask them to promise that they will stick to the hard work of rebuilding their lost love for at least three months. It would have been great if you had both agreed that divorce would never be an option, but let’s just say that for now no one will be moving out, calling mediators or lawyers.
2. Review and correct your expectations. So many people go into marriage expecting to ‘change’ their partner – for the better. In reality, they want to change them to being more fitting to their needs and wants, which is not very approving of them, as they are, for who they are. (The marriage started off with a troubled foundation if either of you intended to change the other.) But, what’s done is done. Now you have to take a good long look at yourself and your partner to see who each of you really is. When we understand our partner’s issues, wounds, needs and wants as vital to our healing, and ours to theirs, it makes it a lot easier to accept and honour each other as equals with neither one owing the other the loss of their self. A good exercise for this would be to think back to when you got married and list all of the expectations you had for marriage itself, and another of your mate. Then, ask your mate to do the same, and see how many matches you had for expectations of the marriage, and for each other. Maybe you both fell short. And, maybe one or both of you had expectations that the other could not fulfill (without making changes in who they are) and no you can see that unmet expectations led to more frustration, disappointment, and possibly anger and/or a lack of respect. Now you can start to focus on meeting each others needs and work on both of you healing and growing beyond the wounded selves you began as. If you switch your focus to showing love, behaving lovingly, even when you don’t totally feel so loving, you might be surprised by the result.
3. Create a ‘vision’ of what you would like your relationship to be like now. Years have passed, life has surely changed since you were dating, so it would be reasonable to come up with a new plan that might better fit your life circumstances now.  Working on this together, and/or with a Certified Vision Board Counselor, will be easier than trying to communicate in words, plus it will be a nice way to discuss your needs and wants quietly.
4. Get outside help – and that does not mean family or friends!
5. Get serious about either talking with each other, if you can, or making the time available for each of you to attend your sessions with a coach/counsellor.
6. Listen to each other. Remember we have two eyes, two ears, and only one mouth for a reason.
7. Share the truth of your relationship problems with family and close friends - without giving details. Your marital issues are private and personal, but the fact that you are trying to save your marriage will probably be pleasant news to some people and they might even offer to babysit!
8. Do not allow your discussions to become battles. If/when talking with each other becomes difficult, combative, or insulting, stop talking. Take a time out to cool down. The goal is to save the marriage!
9. Avoid the ‘toxic’ topics that you find yourselves arguing about constantly. Accept that your conflict style is not working for this, and maybe other issues, and let a professional help you deal with those.
10. Work at being polite and friendly. A smile usually helps to lighten the mood and spread a welcoming atmosphere in your home for everyone – your children do not deserve to be in a nasty/cold home.

 

The most important statement that a couple can say to each other, even when they feel it is hopeless, is something like, "Divorce will not be an option for us. We will do whatever it takes to work out our differences - no matter what.” 

Doing small, daily, positive actions go a long way in showing you care. And, honest words of appreciation and acknowledgment will validate your partner’s efforts and help end a feeling of being taken for granted. So, watch your words and your actions! That old rhyme of sticks and stones being able to break our bones but never harm us is not true. They can break hearts and destroy love. 

Before accusing your partner of being at fault for the serious state of your relationship, analyze yourself.  Most of the time we tend to overrate ourselves and underrate others. So, do not hesitate to correct yourself and say sorry for your part – because you both shared in creating the relationship as it is. Whether it was what you did, or did not do, you are both responsible for how it is now. 

And yet, no matter what situation your marriage is in - if you're willing to work on saving your relationship, you'll be amazed at how much better it can be in just a few months!

Saving your marriage is not about begging or pleading with your partner to stay, giving in to their demands, forcing them to accept your way, punishing them for their faults, or trying to get them to understand that everything that went wrong is all their fault - and not yours! It’s about each of you working on your own issues so that the two people in the relationship can start from inner peace and acceptance of themselves. Then, as each of you is able to view themselves, the other, and the relationship in a new light, without the past hurts and disappointments controlling your perspective, you will be able to support each other in figuring out and expressing your needs and wants in the marriage. 

I have truly seen miracles work with troubled marriages that first appeared to be absolutely beyond repair.  

 

You can strengthen your marriage foundation – and get reconnected with your spouse!

I often tell people that love is falling in love over and over again… with the same person. Once you discover how to fall in love again by renewing the intimacy, restoring the trust and learning how to communicate in ways that show acceptance, respect, connection and appreciation in the ways that you each need it to be… you will finally have the marriage or relationship you actually want. 

Here are a few more ideas to get things started on working on rebuilding your relationship:

·         If body image has affected the intimacy in your relationship, go to the gym to work out together, encouraging each other on personal goals rather than focusing on the flaws.

·         If you have been saying negative things to each other, make a deal to counter that by paying two compliments per negative one from now on; like putting a quarter in a jar for each swear word.

·         Since you probably forgot when you pleased each other, sit down together and share the most memorable ways that your partner demonstrated their love for you over the years.

·         Once a day, express appreciation for 3 things about your partner or something that they did.

Saving your marriage may take a lot of work, but it can reward with the relationship of your dreams!

If you feel comfortable enough to try to get back on the right track of loving each other the right ways follow the “28 Days to Make Your Relationship Sizzle” calendar: 

If you would like to receive your own copy of this calendar, simply email me

                                                               

Getting a Relationship Tune-Up Before the Gasket Blows

AMY WILLARD CROSS. Globe and Mail, August 23, 2007
http://tgam.ca/B3l (via @globeandmail)

Vancouver couple Grace and Rob recently spent 24 hours improving their relationship.
Their coupledom had not been nicked by infidelity. They weren't fighting so dirty that the bad words wouldn't wash off. They weren't teetering on divorce - indeed, they weren't even married yet.

But it was not as good as it gets for this dating couple, so Rob's friend recommended couples coaching.

"You don't know what kind of baggage you're bringing into a new relationship until you get into one," says Rob.

About to move in together, Grace and Rob (who asked that their real names not be used) are part of a growing trend toward relationship maintenance - often called marriage enhancement or enrichment.

"I learned not only to check myself and communicate in a different way, but I became aware of his feelings," says Grace. "I did a complete 360, and was really ashamed and embarrassed."

Dealing with problems before it's too late is starting to catch on.
Provincial marriage and family therapy associations have started offering free "marriage checkups" with a therapist so couples can assess their relationship's health.

The practice has gained enough traction that in the spring of 2006, the Canadian Forces initiated Basic Relationship Training (BRT) at all of its bases. Many branches of the U.S. military do the same.

"As the profession of marriage and family therapy grew, there was a recognition of the need to do [preventive] stuff," says Annette Dekker, president of the Ontario Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.

Most people are pushed to seek a marriage therapist because they are having big problems. Typically, according to Ms. Dekker, couples wait six years to call a therapist after realizing that their "us" is not perfectly healthy.

Meanwhile, animosity and bitterness build up like hard-water scale on pipes. "Often, by that time, it's too late," says Ms. Dekker.

But among therapists and counsellors who advertise enrichment or enhancement, some estimate that 10 to 15 per cent of clients come to improve a relationship that does not seem problematic.

Couples are also attending classes, programs and retreats such as Getting the Love You Want, the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) or the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills (PAIRS) course.

The Canadian forces launched relationship training because "we wanted to be very cutting-edge and proactive," says Erika Lefebvre, a psychologist with the program Strengthening the Forces.

Ms. Lefebvre says her program is about building skills, not spill-your-guts counselling.

Even if couples aren't being deployed, she says, "I think anybody could benefit from this - a relationship requires regular maintenance."

Toronto therapist Sonya Gotziaman says relationship training makes sense because "our main role models are our parents and TV and movies, and I don't know which is scarier."

Rob and Grace say counsellor duo Michael and Janice Inch of Vancouver helped them to identify the triggers that make them react, then gave them tools to manage them. "We need to learn not to react," says Rob. "It's reactive behaviour that digs a hole for us."

Montreal's Sharon Shenker says many of her clients are seeking relationship enhancement and are attracted by her use of the Myers-Briggs personality test, which is commonly employed in corporate settings.

Knowing their personality types helps couples learn, understand and manage their differences, Ms. Shenker says.

Couples she has helped through divorce will sometimes return with a new spouse to head off problems before they begin, she adds.

Sometimes, life transitions push couples to get a little fortification.

Leah MacInnes, a Victoria-based marriage and family therapist, has had many clients who are dealing with a second marriage, a baby or an empty nest.

"Life transitions are difficult, and difficult times pull us apart or bring us together," Ms. MacInnes says. Seeing a therapist for preventive sessions can also be a money-saver: it will require fewer appointments and come nowhere near the cost of a divorce, she says.

Ms. MacInnes and her husband got a taste of her own medicine when they sought counselling during a stressful period.

"I'm a therapist, I know how to communicate, but sometimes there are things I can't see," she says. "Having a neutral party there to say 'What did you mean? What's your reaction?' helps to get you out of rut."