Announcement:
My Family Wellness Special is turning back the clock for individuals, couples or families who want my specializied help to stay together, reconstruct without destruction, or to reconnect after an absence....
My goal has always been to help other families stay intact, healthier and happier than their own life skills and strategies were able to create for themselves.
Now, after years after knowing and saying that I would not have been able to afford my own rates, to receive the help my family needed, I am dropping my fees to enable more families to benefit from my specialized services. So... my rate is back down to only $60. an hour (plus $1. a minute for any telephone, skype or face-to-face time above the one hour a week. This offer is only available to those who work with me for a minimum of one hour a week.)
Contact me for more information or to set up an appointment at sharonshenker@gmail.com or my direct cell phone line at 514-804-3585
Appointments are available week days, evenings and weekends.
Showing posts with label relationship coaching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship coaching. Show all posts
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Before You End It All
Don't let relationship difficulties destroy your family!
Before You End It All… try working on making your relationship better!
ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN – YOU OWE IT TO THEM!
No one can promise it will be easy to rebuild the love after it feels lost - it will be difficult! - but it is possible. The reason is simple - marriage is not the problem, it's the two people in the marriage who create(d) the problems. Things may seem even more hopeless to you now that you've read that. You may be thinking, "Oh, great! Now we're really out of luck for saving our marriage." But that isn't true either. Because there's a secret I want to share…
If you're struggling in your marriage, it's probably because your parents struggled too. The thing is that we learn our interpersonal and relationship skills and techniques from our parents; the good and the bad ones. So, my question to you is, who's going to break the cycle? Will YOU be the one to change things for your kids and the generations to come? Or will your children have to suffer the same burden as you? It’s up to YOU. There's nothing better for your children than to be raised amidst the comfort and security of parents who love each other instead of being the victims of an unhappy and unhealthy family. If your children don't see love between you and your partner, (their parent or step-parent!) it won't really matter in the long run, where they go to school or how fashionably they get to dress. But, if they witness true love, you will be giving them the greatest gift life has to offer. How about it? Do you want to be a really great parent by doing everything you can to succeed with your marriage?If you have no children and want to end a long-term relationship from someone you once loved… you might be thinking that what you just read does not apply to you and that you can just pick a plan from that song, `Fifty ways to leave your lover`` but, you are probably still wrong. So many people think that they will just find a ``better partner`` and all will be fine with their next relationship. Wouldn`t that be great! Just dump the lousy one and trade them in for a better model, as if people and relationships are disposable. Unfortunately, if we find ourselves in a relationship with someone whom we eventually believe have all the problems, created the problems or are the problem, we are usually very mistaken.
The simple truth is that if we come from a dysfunctional family, to whatever degree and about whatever issues, we are walking into our relationships with the blueprint for creating a toxic, troubled or dysfunctional relationship. We missed out on some of what we would have benefited from and we grew up with issues, wounds, insecurities, poor skills, etc. that were part of our baggage. If and when we are insecure, immature, angry, demanding, selfish, demeaning, and/or wounded as a result of our childhood or past relationships... we really can make a mess of things.
But, people can change! We can learn new behaviours, and stop ourselves from repeating the damaging ones. So, if you are in a committed relationship that is dying and you want to save your marriage (and put that spark back) into a whole new, healthy, loving, passionate relationship with the person you are already with you can… unless there was physical abuse.
Change is good, but it does not have to mean divorce?
Here are some of the ways to prevent a divorce:
- Commit to saving the marriage. When a couple has children, I ask them to promise that they will stick to the hard work of rebuilding their lost love for at least three months. It would have been great if you had both agreed that divorce would never be an option, but let’s just say that for now no one will be moving out, calling mediators or lawyers.
- Review and correct your expectations. So many people go into marriage expecting to ‘change’ their partner – for the better. In reality, they want to change them to being more fitting to their needs and wants, which is not very approving of them, as they are, for who they are. (The marriage started off with a troubled foundation if either of you intended to change the other.) But, what’s done is done. Now you have to take a good long look at yourself and your partner to see who each of you really is. When we understand our partner’s issues, wounds, needs and wants as vital to our healing, and ours to theirs, it makes it a lot easier to accept and honour each other as equals with neither one owing the other the loss of their self. A good exercise for this would be to think back to when you got married and list all of the expectations you had for marriage itself, and another of your mate. Then, ask your mate to do the same, and see how many matches you had for expectations of the marriage, and for each other. Maybe you both fell short. And, maybe one or both of you had expectations that the other could not fulfill (without making changes in who they are) and no you can see that unmet expectations led to more frustration, disappointment, and possibly anger and/or a lack of respect. Now you can start to focus on meeting each others needs and work on both of you healing and growing beyond the wounded selves you began as. If you switch your focus to showing love, behaving lovingly, even when you don’t totally feel so loving, you might be surprised by the result.
- Create a ‘vision’ of what you would like your relationship to be like now. Years have passed, life has surely changed since you were dating, so it would be reasonable to come up with a new plan that might better fit your life circumstances now. Working on this together, and/or with a Certified Vision Board Counselor, will be easier than trying to communicate in words, plus it will be a nice way to discuss your needs and wants quietly.
- Get outside help – and that does not mean family or friends!
- Get serious about either talking with each other, if you can, or making the time available for each of you to attend your sessions with a coach/counsellor.
- Listen to each other. Remember we have two eyes, two ears, and only one mouth for a reason.
- Share the truth of your relationship problems with family and close friends - without giving details. Your marital issues are private and personal, but the fact that you are trying to save your marriage will probably be pleasant news to some people and they might even offer to babysit!
- Do not allow your discussions to become battles. If/when talking with each other becomes difficult, combative, or insulting, stop talking. Take a time out to cool down. The goal is to save the marriage!
- Avoid the ‘toxic’ topics that you find yourselves arguing about constantly. Accept that your conflict style is not working for this, and maybe other issues, and let a professional help you deal with those.
- Work at being polite and friendly. A smile usually helps to lighten the mood and spread a welcoming atmosphere in your home for everyone – your children do not deserve to be in a nasty/cold home.
The most important statement that a couple can say to each other, even when they feel it is hopeless, is something like, "Divorce will not be an option for us. We will do whatever it takes to work out our differences - no matter what.”
Before accusing your partner of being at fault for the serious state of your relationship, analyze yourself. Most of the time we tend to overrate ourselves and underrate others. So, do not hesitate to correct yourself and say sorry for your part – because you both shared in creating the relationship as it is. Whether it was what you did, or did not do, you are both responsible for how it is now.
And yet, no matter what situation your marriage is in - if you're willing to work on saving your relationship, you'll be amazed at how much better it can be in just a few months!
Saving your marriage is not about begging or pleading with your partner to stay, giving in to their demands, forcing them to accept your way, punishing them for their faults, or trying to get them to understand that everything that went wrong is all their fault - and not yours! It’s about each of you working on your own issues so that the two people in the relationship can start from inner peace and acceptance of themselves. Then, as each of you is able to view themselves, the other, and the relationship in a new light, without the past hurts and disappointments controlling your perspective, you will be able to support each other in figuring out and expressing your needs and wants in the marriage.
I have truly seen miracles work with troubled marriages that first appeared to be absolutely beyond repair.
You can strengthen your marriage foundation – and get reconnected with your spouse!
Here are a few more ideas to get things started on working on rebuilding your relationship:
· If body image has affected the intimacy in your relationship, go to the gym to work out together, encouraging each other on personal goals rather than focusing on the flaws.
· If you have been saying negative things to each other, make a deal to counter that by paying two compliments per negative one from now on; like putting a quarter in a jar for each swear word.
· Since you probably forgot when you pleased each other, sit down together and share the most memorable ways that your partner demonstrated their love for you over the years.
· Once a day, express appreciation for 3 things about your partner or something that they did.
Saving your marriage may take a lot of work, but it can reward with the relationship of your dreams!
If you feel comfortable enough to try to get back on the right track of loving each other the right ways follow the “28 Days to Make Your Relationship Sizzle” calendar:
If you would like to receive your own copy of this calendar, simply email me
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Getting a Relationship Tune-Up Before the Gasket Blows
AMY WILLARD CROSS. Globe and Mail, August 23, 2007
http://tgam.ca/B3l (via @globeandmail)
Vancouver couple Grace and Rob recently spent 24 hours improving their relationship.
Their coupledom had not been nicked by infidelity. They weren't fighting so dirty that the bad words wouldn't wash off. They weren't teetering on divorce - indeed, they weren't even married yet.
But it was not as good as it gets for this dating couple, so Rob's friend recommended couples coaching.
"You don't know what kind of baggage you're bringing into a new relationship until you get into one," says Rob.
About to move in together, Grace and Rob (who asked that their real names not be used) are part of a growing trend toward relationship maintenance - often called marriage enhancement or enrichment.
"I learned not only to check myself and communicate in a different way, but I became aware of his feelings," says Grace. "I did a complete 360, and was really ashamed and embarrassed."
Dealing with problems before it's too late is starting to catch on.
Provincial marriage and family therapy associations have started offering free "marriage checkups" with a therapist so couples can assess their relationship's health.
The practice has gained enough traction that in the spring of 2006, the Canadian Forces initiated Basic Relationship Training (BRT) at all of its bases. Many branches of the U.S. military do the same.
"As the profession of marriage and family therapy grew, there was a recognition of the need to do [preventive] stuff," says Annette Dekker, president of the Ontario Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.
Most people are pushed to seek a marriage therapist because they are having big problems. Typically, according to Ms. Dekker, couples wait six years to call a therapist after realizing that their "us" is not perfectly healthy.
Meanwhile, animosity and bitterness build up like hard-water scale on pipes. "Often, by that time, it's too late," says Ms. Dekker.
But among therapists and counsellors who advertise enrichment or enhancement, some estimate that 10 to 15 per cent of clients come to improve a relationship that does not seem problematic.
Couples are also attending classes, programs and retreats such as Getting the Love You Want, the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) or the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills (PAIRS) course.
The Canadian forces launched relationship training because "we wanted to be very cutting-edge and proactive," says Erika Lefebvre, a psychologist with the program Strengthening the Forces.
Ms. Lefebvre says her program is about building skills, not spill-your-guts counselling.
Even if couples aren't being deployed, she says, "I think anybody could benefit from this - a relationship requires regular maintenance."
Toronto therapist Sonya Gotziaman says relationship training makes sense because "our main role models are our parents and TV and movies, and I don't know which is scarier."
Rob and Grace say counsellor duo Michael and Janice Inch of Vancouver helped them to identify the triggers that make them react, then gave them tools to manage them. "We need to learn not to react," says Rob. "It's reactive behaviour that digs a hole for us."
Montreal's Sharon Shenker says many of her clients are seeking relationship enhancement and are attracted by her use of the Myers-Briggs personality test, which is commonly employed in corporate settings.
Knowing their personality types helps couples learn, understand and manage their differences, Ms. Shenker says.
Couples she has helped through divorce will sometimes return with a new spouse to head off problems before they begin, she adds.
Sometimes, life transitions push couples to get a little fortification.
Leah MacInnes, a Victoria-based marriage and family therapist, has had many clients who are dealing with a second marriage, a baby or an empty nest.
"Life transitions are difficult, and difficult times pull us apart or bring us together," Ms. MacInnes says. Seeing a therapist for preventive sessions can also be a money-saver: it will require fewer appointments and come nowhere near the cost of a divorce, she says.
Ms. MacInnes and her husband got a taste of her own medicine when they sought counselling during a stressful period.
"I'm a therapist, I know how to communicate, but sometimes there are things I can't see," she says. "Having a neutral party there to say 'What did you mean? What's your reaction?' helps to get you out of rut."
http://tgam.ca/B3l (via @globeandmail)
Vancouver couple Grace and Rob recently spent 24 hours improving their relationship.
Their coupledom had not been nicked by infidelity. They weren't fighting so dirty that the bad words wouldn't wash off. They weren't teetering on divorce - indeed, they weren't even married yet.
But it was not as good as it gets for this dating couple, so Rob's friend recommended couples coaching.
"You don't know what kind of baggage you're bringing into a new relationship until you get into one," says Rob.
About to move in together, Grace and Rob (who asked that their real names not be used) are part of a growing trend toward relationship maintenance - often called marriage enhancement or enrichment.
"I learned not only to check myself and communicate in a different way, but I became aware of his feelings," says Grace. "I did a complete 360, and was really ashamed and embarrassed."
Dealing with problems before it's too late is starting to catch on.
Provincial marriage and family therapy associations have started offering free "marriage checkups" with a therapist so couples can assess their relationship's health.
The practice has gained enough traction that in the spring of 2006, the Canadian Forces initiated Basic Relationship Training (BRT) at all of its bases. Many branches of the U.S. military do the same.
"As the profession of marriage and family therapy grew, there was a recognition of the need to do [preventive] stuff," says Annette Dekker, president of the Ontario Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.
Most people are pushed to seek a marriage therapist because they are having big problems. Typically, according to Ms. Dekker, couples wait six years to call a therapist after realizing that their "us" is not perfectly healthy.
Meanwhile, animosity and bitterness build up like hard-water scale on pipes. "Often, by that time, it's too late," says Ms. Dekker.
But among therapists and counsellors who advertise enrichment or enhancement, some estimate that 10 to 15 per cent of clients come to improve a relationship that does not seem problematic.
Couples are also attending classes, programs and retreats such as Getting the Love You Want, the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) or the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills (PAIRS) course.
The Canadian forces launched relationship training because "we wanted to be very cutting-edge and proactive," says Erika Lefebvre, a psychologist with the program Strengthening the Forces.
Ms. Lefebvre says her program is about building skills, not spill-your-guts counselling.
Even if couples aren't being deployed, she says, "I think anybody could benefit from this - a relationship requires regular maintenance."
Toronto therapist Sonya Gotziaman says relationship training makes sense because "our main role models are our parents and TV and movies, and I don't know which is scarier."
Rob and Grace say counsellor duo Michael and Janice Inch of Vancouver helped them to identify the triggers that make them react, then gave them tools to manage them. "We need to learn not to react," says Rob. "It's reactive behaviour that digs a hole for us."
Montreal's Sharon Shenker says many of her clients are seeking relationship enhancement and are attracted by her use of the Myers-Briggs personality test, which is commonly employed in corporate settings.
Knowing their personality types helps couples learn, understand and manage their differences, Ms. Shenker says.
Couples she has helped through divorce will sometimes return with a new spouse to head off problems before they begin, she adds.
Sometimes, life transitions push couples to get a little fortification.
Leah MacInnes, a Victoria-based marriage and family therapist, has had many clients who are dealing with a second marriage, a baby or an empty nest.
"Life transitions are difficult, and difficult times pull us apart or bring us together," Ms. MacInnes says. Seeing a therapist for preventive sessions can also be a money-saver: it will require fewer appointments and come nowhere near the cost of a divorce, she says.
Ms. MacInnes and her husband got a taste of her own medicine when they sought counselling during a stressful period.
"I'm a therapist, I know how to communicate, but sometimes there are things I can't see," she says. "Having a neutral party there to say 'What did you mean? What's your reaction?' helps to get you out of rut."
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
How would you punish an adulterer?
I just read an online article about an Iranian woman who has been sentenced to such extreme punishment for committing adultery (when her husband was already dead!) and I just had to share it with you.
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/World/2010/09/06/15259181.html
Did you notice the sentence that said he had died the year before?!?
After all my years of working with couples going through relationship difficulties and divorces, many of which were because of adultery, I am so glad we live in a country that does not stone the cheaters. Oh, don't get me wrong, I am sure as heck not saying cheating is okay. In fact, if any man I was in a relationship with cheated on me instead of working on any problematic issues we had that made him feel like looking elsewhere I would have no second thoughts about ending that relationship. That is partly because honesty and trust are really big issues to me, but mostly because I would have seen to it from get-go of dating me that I would never accept that behavior. No one ever cheated on me, if that's what you thought. It's that I know I would never feel that I could trust him again. I grew up in a family with a lot of lies and secrets, and my ex-husband lied a lot. I insist upon only being with people that I believe to honest and therefore trustworthy people.
I have worked with couples in which partners were totally oblivious to all the signs of a cheating partner, a few that did not care because they were also getting some outside, and plenty that were being so fooled it made me angry. I remember one couple that I actually had to tell the wife that if she wanted to continue working with me she had two weeks to inform her husband that she was cheating. I told her she did not have to tell him that her lover was her husband's best friend who was over at their home almost daily, but I will not work or live against my values.
People who are lying to their partners and cheating on them are not going to be my clients because I have personal ethics that flow into my career. I work with couples to repair their relationship disconnect and rebuild their friendship and romantic bond... but, I do not think the cheaters should be stoned to death. I don't even think they all need to be divorced. Many couples I have worked with were able to heal and create a better relationship than they ever had - because they each worked through their own issues that they entered the marriage or relationship with.
All couples lives with issues; ever human being has issues. There are things about everyone's partner that annoys them or even drives them crazy. And none of us is a saint. We all do things that can drive our partner crazy - thank goodness most couples will learn how to accept each other, quirks and all. The idea of trying to improve a union is one of the best ideas most couples can make. I have never really believed that you just go to the justice of the peace, or your rabbi or priest and voila, you are happily married. I believe that you become married, truly married, over time, by going through all the big and small issues that you never really expected would come up and you didn't plan for... but you either found that your communicating and problem-solving skills (that you learned from your family of origin) were good enough to see you through the tough times, or you learned they did not suffice.... and hopefully sought some help before one of you got to that strange point of 'falling' out of love with the other.
Monogamy, to me, is one of the most basic concepts of marriage. A promise to forsake all others. A promise. Many of us have attachment issues from our childhood that can contaminate our relationships, but if we are old enough to marry, I think we should be wise enough to know when we need to seek some help for ourselves and/or for our relationships.
But, back to the article mentioned for just a moment, I do not believe in stoning someone for cheating on their dead or living husband or wife!
If you are in a long-term relationship that seems to need a kick in the love pants, and you need something to start you with, try this exercise with your partner:
Complete this sentence with as many responses as you can: "I feel loved and cared about when you..."
If one or both of you have trouble coming up with answers, sit quietly with your eyes closed, thinking back to the romantic stage of your relationship, and answer this question: "I used to feel loved and cared about when you..."
One of the most important truths for people to understand, in my professional opinion, is that marriages are not actually the means to wish fulfillment. Getting a mate does not mean the end to loneliness or discontent with oneself. Marriage means having someone to go through life with... and hopefully, falling in love with over and over - but it must be with the same person!
And if your partner does commit adultery, please do not 'bobbit it' or stone him or her to death. If seeking outside help does not bring your relationship to a better place for each of you, and life in your household has become a living hell for your kids, then divorce might be the answer... but, even then, you will need to learn how to communicate and make decisions together, for the sake of your children, and so that you both get to be at their weddings!
About the Author:
Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com
Please do not copy this article without the complete copyright information.
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/World/2010/09/06/15259181.html
Did you notice the sentence that said he had died the year before?!?
After all my years of working with couples going through relationship difficulties and divorces, many of which were because of adultery, I am so glad we live in a country that does not stone the cheaters. Oh, don't get me wrong, I am sure as heck not saying cheating is okay. In fact, if any man I was in a relationship with cheated on me instead of working on any problematic issues we had that made him feel like looking elsewhere I would have no second thoughts about ending that relationship. That is partly because honesty and trust are really big issues to me, but mostly because I would have seen to it from get-go of dating me that I would never accept that behavior. No one ever cheated on me, if that's what you thought. It's that I know I would never feel that I could trust him again. I grew up in a family with a lot of lies and secrets, and my ex-husband lied a lot. I insist upon only being with people that I believe to honest and therefore trustworthy people.
I have worked with couples in which partners were totally oblivious to all the signs of a cheating partner, a few that did not care because they were also getting some outside, and plenty that were being so fooled it made me angry. I remember one couple that I actually had to tell the wife that if she wanted to continue working with me she had two weeks to inform her husband that she was cheating. I told her she did not have to tell him that her lover was her husband's best friend who was over at their home almost daily, but I will not work or live against my values.
People who are lying to their partners and cheating on them are not going to be my clients because I have personal ethics that flow into my career. I work with couples to repair their relationship disconnect and rebuild their friendship and romantic bond... but, I do not think the cheaters should be stoned to death. I don't even think they all need to be divorced. Many couples I have worked with were able to heal and create a better relationship than they ever had - because they each worked through their own issues that they entered the marriage or relationship with.
All couples lives with issues; ever human being has issues. There are things about everyone's partner that annoys them or even drives them crazy. And none of us is a saint. We all do things that can drive our partner crazy - thank goodness most couples will learn how to accept each other, quirks and all. The idea of trying to improve a union is one of the best ideas most couples can make. I have never really believed that you just go to the justice of the peace, or your rabbi or priest and voila, you are happily married. I believe that you become married, truly married, over time, by going through all the big and small issues that you never really expected would come up and you didn't plan for... but you either found that your communicating and problem-solving skills (that you learned from your family of origin) were good enough to see you through the tough times, or you learned they did not suffice.... and hopefully sought some help before one of you got to that strange point of 'falling' out of love with the other.
Monogamy, to me, is one of the most basic concepts of marriage. A promise to forsake all others. A promise. Many of us have attachment issues from our childhood that can contaminate our relationships, but if we are old enough to marry, I think we should be wise enough to know when we need to seek some help for ourselves and/or for our relationships.
But, back to the article mentioned for just a moment, I do not believe in stoning someone for cheating on their dead or living husband or wife!
If you are in a long-term relationship that seems to need a kick in the love pants, and you need something to start you with, try this exercise with your partner:
Complete this sentence with as many responses as you can: "I feel loved and cared about when you..."
If one or both of you have trouble coming up with answers, sit quietly with your eyes closed, thinking back to the romantic stage of your relationship, and answer this question: "I used to feel loved and cared about when you..."
One of the most important truths for people to understand, in my professional opinion, is that marriages are not actually the means to wish fulfillment. Getting a mate does not mean the end to loneliness or discontent with oneself. Marriage means having someone to go through life with... and hopefully, falling in love with over and over - but it must be with the same person!
And if your partner does commit adultery, please do not 'bobbit it' or stone him or her to death. If seeking outside help does not bring your relationship to a better place for each of you, and life in your household has become a living hell for your kids, then divorce might be the answer... but, even then, you will need to learn how to communicate and make decisions together, for the sake of your children, and so that you both get to be at their weddings!
About the Author:
Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com
Please do not copy this article without the complete copyright information.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Can Relationship Coaching Help You and Your Partner?
If you and your long-term partner are having relationship problems (not including physical abuse) don't wait until it's too late!
Carefully look over the following list that research states as proven symptoms of relationship deterioration that are associated with an increased probability of a breakup or divorce down the road, or at least an unhappy relationship:
1. Feeling Distant from each other
2. An Increase in Arguing or Negativity
3. A Lack of Affection (from smiles to sex)
4. Increased Anger, Hostility, or Sarcasm
5. Avoidance of Each Other on a regular basis
6. Trust Issues
If you're already experiencing one or more of the signs listed above, be sure to take action soon to improve your situation... instead of losing the relationship.
I'm a firm believer that most couples don’t actually need psychotherapy, and that the majority of divorces did not actually have to take place if the couple had sought help soon enough. The main problem is usually simply a lack of skills in the areas of communication, assertive communication, expression of anger, commitment, conflict resolution skills, connection and/or intimacy and affection skills, to say the least.
It may seem obvious when you read this, but so many couples make the mistake of doing nothing until their own or their partner's unhappiness has become extreme. Here are the two most common situations:
1.) A couple comes in for a session, not sure whether they are separating or willing to try to put effort into saving the relationship by changing it, when one of them already does not believe there is much hope. They may have even been expressing their unhappiness or anger for a long time, but the other partner didn't believe the relationship would really come to an and... and basically ignored all the warning signs, hints and threats, until now.
2.) A couple comes in for a session, not sure whether or not they can fix their relationship because one partner has announced that they want a separation or divorce. The other is usually in shock, unaware that their relationship had become so bad that their partner would want to end it - even though there were many warning signs (if they had been watching and listening). As we talk it is revealed that the one who wants out has been telling the other for months or years, possibly beginning with demands or requests for changes in the relationship, but nothing was done.
How can it be that so many couples have been having such a tough time that statistical rates are so high for separations and divorces? Quite simply, there were no courses in school on relationship skills when the parents of today are divorcing. Whether within the family-of-origin, a friend's parents, or from watching television (yikes!) we only learned what we know by watching our role models. With that in mind, consider that not just your partner, but you also, may not know how to successfully resolve ongoing hurts/resentments, betrayals of trust, verbal abuse, and/or distance/lack of closeness in your relationship because you were never shown how. Think about it: If you were not receiving the love and attention you want/need do you know how to change that situation?
The good news is that these skills can all be taught. Even if only one partner is motivated and the other is simply willing to give it a try, coaching can make a big difference! How does relationship coaching help?
Imagine a basic problem of not feeling cared for.
Here's a homework assignment that the couple might be given:
Sitting face to face and holding hands or just having your knees touch, take turns sharing something that you appreciate about each other. Do three rounds, once a day. It can be something basic like, "I appreciate how well you take care of the kids" to "I really liked the effort you put into my last birthday present." If anything like that is still too difficult, it can even be, "Thanks for supper."
Give it a try and let me know how it went for you and your partner.
Carefully look over the following list that research states as proven symptoms of relationship deterioration that are associated with an increased probability of a breakup or divorce down the road, or at least an unhappy relationship:
1. Feeling Distant from each other
2. An Increase in Arguing or Negativity
3. A Lack of Affection (from smiles to sex)
4. Increased Anger, Hostility, or Sarcasm
5. Avoidance of Each Other on a regular basis
6. Trust Issues
If you're already experiencing one or more of the signs listed above, be sure to take action soon to improve your situation... instead of losing the relationship.
I'm a firm believer that most couples don’t actually need psychotherapy, and that the majority of divorces did not actually have to take place if the couple had sought help soon enough. The main problem is usually simply a lack of skills in the areas of communication, assertive communication, expression of anger, commitment, conflict resolution skills, connection and/or intimacy and affection skills, to say the least.
It may seem obvious when you read this, but so many couples make the mistake of doing nothing until their own or their partner's unhappiness has become extreme. Here are the two most common situations:
1.) A couple comes in for a session, not sure whether they are separating or willing to try to put effort into saving the relationship by changing it, when one of them already does not believe there is much hope. They may have even been expressing their unhappiness or anger for a long time, but the other partner didn't believe the relationship would really come to an and... and basically ignored all the warning signs, hints and threats, until now.
2.) A couple comes in for a session, not sure whether or not they can fix their relationship because one partner has announced that they want a separation or divorce. The other is usually in shock, unaware that their relationship had become so bad that their partner would want to end it - even though there were many warning signs (if they had been watching and listening). As we talk it is revealed that the one who wants out has been telling the other for months or years, possibly beginning with demands or requests for changes in the relationship, but nothing was done.
How can it be that so many couples have been having such a tough time that statistical rates are so high for separations and divorces? Quite simply, there were no courses in school on relationship skills when the parents of today are divorcing. Whether within the family-of-origin, a friend's parents, or from watching television (yikes!) we only learned what we know by watching our role models. With that in mind, consider that not just your partner, but you also, may not know how to successfully resolve ongoing hurts/resentments, betrayals of trust, verbal abuse, and/or distance/lack of closeness in your relationship because you were never shown how. Think about it: If you were not receiving the love and attention you want/need do you know how to change that situation?
The good news is that these skills can all be taught. Even if only one partner is motivated and the other is simply willing to give it a try, coaching can make a big difference! How does relationship coaching help?
Imagine a basic problem of not feeling cared for.
Here's a homework assignment that the couple might be given:
Sitting face to face and holding hands or just having your knees touch, take turns sharing something that you appreciate about each other. Do three rounds, once a day. It can be something basic like, "I appreciate how well you take care of the kids" to "I really liked the effort you put into my last birthday present." If anything like that is still too difficult, it can even be, "Thanks for supper."
Give it a try and let me know how it went for you and your partner.
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