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Unfortunately, due to health reasons, I have closed websites for
Divorce Support Plus .

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Divorced Barbie Doll

This is the latest divorce joke I just heard about:

"One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."


Unfortunately, there are so many people who still believe this old perspective on divorce. In fact, there are many OLD divorce cases where this was not even the case. For example, when I got divorced about twenty-eight years ago, my ex-husband was self-employed and managed to convince the court that he was so poor he couldn't event afford the minimum for two children... a few years later it was discovered that he paid more to lease each one of his cars two cars than he gave as child support and alimentary pension to me for his two daughters. I know a lot of women managed to 'take their men to the cleaners' or 'got the shirt off their backs' but this is not the norm.

If it was so common, why the heck would so many single mothers be struggling?! Why would so many children of divorce have to go to college/university with huge loan debts to pay back later? And, why did I not have all the luxuries my ex-husband and his second wife get to have?

Come on people. Stop making and spreading jokes like this that have nothing to do with reality nowadays. The court systems are doing their best to make sure that neither scenario ever happens again. Thank goodness!

Author:
Sharon Shenker, Founder of Divorce Support Plus
www.divorcesupportplus.ca

Monday, September 13, 2010

END the Silence of Domestic Violence NOW!

I'm keeping my eyes and ears on what Dr Phil plans on doing this year as he claims to be taking a stand this year to END THE SILENCE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

I hope you'll listen too and share some of your experiences.

Domestic violence does not usually begin with physical violence - please be aware, it normally starts with emotional control and put-downs, isolation, humiliation, etc., etc.

Are you a victim of abuse in a relationship? Was it a significant other? A parent? Sibling? Whether Dr Phil makes it a big issue for the year, I promise to.

Stay tuned for more discussions on the subject, and please, please, join in.


Author:

Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach

After many years of working with children and their often struggling families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

How would you punish an adulterer?

I just read an online article about an Iranian woman who has been sentenced to such extreme punishment for committing adultery (when her husband was already dead!) and I just had to share it with you.

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/World/2010/09/06/15259181.html 
Did you notice the sentence that said he had died the year before?!?

After all my years of working with couples going through relationship difficulties and divorces, many of which were because of adultery, I am so glad we live in a country that does not stone the cheaters. Oh, don't get me wrong, I am sure as heck not saying cheating is okay. In fact, if any man I was in a relationship with cheated on me instead of working on any problematic issues we had that made him feel like looking elsewhere I would have no second thoughts about ending that relationship. That is partly because honesty and trust are really big issues to me, but mostly because I would have seen to it from get-go of dating me that I would never accept that behavior. No one ever cheated on me, if that's what you thought. It's that I know I would never feel that I could trust him again. I grew up in a family with a lot of lies and secrets, and my ex-husband lied a lot. I insist upon only being with people that I believe to honest and therefore trustworthy people.


I have worked with couples in which partners were totally oblivious to all the signs of a cheating partner, a few that did not care because they were also getting some outside, and plenty that were being so fooled it made me angry. I remember one couple that I actually had to tell the wife that if she wanted to continue working with me she had two weeks to inform her husband that she was cheating. I told her she did not have to tell him that her lover was her husband's best friend who was over at their home almost daily, but I will not  work or live against my values.

People who are lying to their partners and cheating on them are not going to be my clients because I have personal ethics that flow into my career. I work with couples to repair their relationship disconnect and rebuild their friendship and romantic bond... but, I do not think the cheaters should be stoned to death. I don't even think they all need to be divorced. Many couples I have worked with were able to heal and create a better relationship than they ever had - because they each worked through their own issues that they entered the marriage or relationship with.

All couples lives with issues; ever human being has issues. There are things about everyone's partner that annoys them or even drives them crazy. And none of us is a saint. We all do things that can drive our partner crazy - thank goodness most couples will learn how to accept each other, quirks and all. The idea of trying to improve a union is one of the best ideas most couples can make. I have never really believed that you just go to the justice of the peace, or your rabbi or priest and voila, you are happily married. I believe that you become married, truly married, over time, by going through all the big and small issues that you never really expected would come up and you didn't plan for... but you either found that your communicating and problem-solving skills (that you learned from your family of origin) were good enough to see you through the tough times, or you learned they did not suffice.... and hopefully sought some help before one of you got to that strange point of 'falling' out of love with the other.

Monogamy, to me, is one of the most basic concepts of marriage. A promise to forsake all others. A promise. Many of us have attachment issues from our childhood that can contaminate our relationships, but if we are old enough to marry, I think we should be wise enough to know when we need to seek some help for ourselves and/or for our relationships.

But, back to the article mentioned for just a moment, I do not believe in stoning someone for cheating on their dead or living husband or wife!

If you are in a long-term relationship that seems to need a kick in the love pants, and you need something to start you with, try this exercise with your partner:

Complete this sentence with as many responses as you can: "I feel loved and cared about when you..."
If one or both of you have trouble coming up with answers, sit quietly with your eyes closed, thinking back to the romantic stage of your relationship, and answer this question: "I used to feel loved and cared about when you..."

One of the most important truths for people to understand, in my professional opinion, is that marriages are not actually the means to wish fulfillment. Getting a mate does not mean the end to loneliness or discontent with oneself. Marriage means having someone to go through life with... and hopefully, falling in love with over and over - but it must be with the same person!

And if your partner does commit adultery, please do not 'bobbit it' or stone him or her to death. If seeking outside help does not bring your relationship to a better place for each of you, and life in your household has become a living hell for your kids, then divorce might be the answer... but, even then, you will need to learn how to communicate and make decisions together, for the sake of your children, and so that you both get to be at their weddings!

About the Author:
Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com
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