Co-parenting: for your children's sake - Relate Better - Article - More Than Medication

Co-parenting: for your children's sake - Relate Better - Article - More Than Medication

Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach

Do you have a funny to share?

I saw a cute joke that I thought was worth sharing with everyone, rather anyone who comes to read my blog. If it was 'everyone', that would be pretty amazing that so many people were interested in what I have to say. It would be awesome. I would feel really special and proud of having gained the knowledge in spreading this blog around - which I honestly don't think I possess. But, if everyone was reading this joke, I would very proudly be proven wrong. So, if you are one of 'everyone' reading this blog, please click on becoming a follower so I can share more rantings with you, and maybe you'll figure our how to say hello to me so you won't just be a member of that mysterious group of 'everyone' that often eludes me, and my blog. 

Okay, here's the joke:

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, dont press anything. If you are anal retentive, please hold.

And... I'm sorry, but here's a couple to do with divorce:

Marriage is like a deck of cards................... In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end............. you'll wish you had a friggin' club and a spade.....

and...

I miss my ex... but my aim is getting better.

Do you have a funny joke or story to share with me and 'everyone' else who checks this blog? If so, send it in to me so we can work together at changing the mood of those reading blogs about divorce... one person at a time.

Before You End It All

Don't let relationship difficulties destroy your family!

 

Before You End It All… try working on making your relationship better!

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN – YOU OWE IT TO THEM!

No one can promise it will be easy to rebuild the love after it feels lost - it will be difficult! - but it is possible. The reason is simple - marriage is not the problem, it's the two people in the marriage who create(d) the problems. Things may seem even more hopeless to you now that you've read that. You may be thinking, "Oh, great! Now we're really out of luck for saving our marriage." But that isn't true either. Because there's a secret I want to share…

If you're struggling in your marriage, it's probably because your parents struggled too. The thing is that we learn our interpersonal and relationship skills and techniques from our parents; the good and the bad ones. So, my question to you is, who's going to break the cycle? Will YOU be the one to change things for your kids and the generations to come? Or will your children have to suffer the same burden as you? It’s up to YOU. There's nothing better for your children than to be raised amidst the comfort and security of parents who love each other instead of being the victims of an unhappy and unhealthy family. If your children don't see love between you and your partner, (their parent or step-parent!) it won't really matter in the long run, where they go to school or how fashionably they get to dress. But, if they witness true love, you will be giving them the greatest gift life has to offer. How about it? Do you want to be a really great parent by doing everything you can to succeed with your marriage?

If you have no children and want to end a long-term relationship from someone you once loved… you might be thinking that what you just read does not apply to you and that you can just pick a plan from that song, `Fifty ways to leave your lover`` but, you are probably still wrong. So many people think that they will just find a ``better partner`` and all will be fine with their next relationship. Wouldn`t that be great! Just dump the lousy one and trade them in for a better model, as if people and relationships are disposable. Unfortunately, if we find ourselves in a relationship with someone whom we eventually believe have all the problems, created the problems or are the problem, we are usually very mistaken.

The simple truth is that if we come from a dysfunctional family, to whatever degree and about whatever issues, we are walking into our relationships with the blueprint for creating a toxic, troubled or dysfunctional relationship. We missed out on some of what we would have benefited from and we grew up with issues, wounds, insecurities, poor skills, etc. that were part of our baggage. If and when we are insecure, immature, angry, demanding, selfish, demeaning, and/or wounded as a result of our childhood or past relationships... we really can make a mess of things.

But, people can change! We can learn new behaviours, and stop ourselves from repeating the damaging ones. So, if you are in a committed relationship that is dying and you want to save your marriage (and put that spark back) into a whole new, healthy, loving, passionate relationship with the person you are already with you can… unless there was physical abuse.

    

Change is good, but it does not have to mean divorce?

 
               

Here are some of the ways to prevent a divorce:

1. Commit to saving the marriage. When a couple has children, I ask them to promise that they will stick to the hard work of rebuilding their lost love for at least three months. It would have been great if you had both agreed that divorce would never be an option, but let’s just say that for now no one will be moving out, calling mediators or lawyers.
2. Review and correct your expectations. So many people go into marriage expecting to ‘change’ their partner – for the better. In reality, they want to change them to being more fitting to their needs and wants, which is not very approving of them, as they are, for who they are. (The marriage started off with a troubled foundation if either of you intended to change the other.) But, what’s done is done. Now you have to take a good long look at yourself and your partner to see who each of you really is. When we understand our partner’s issues, wounds, needs and wants as vital to our healing, and ours to theirs, it makes it a lot easier to accept and honour each other as equals with neither one owing the other the loss of their self. A good exercise for this would be to think back to when you got married and list all of the expectations you had for marriage itself, and another of your mate. Then, ask your mate to do the same, and see how many matches you had for expectations of the marriage, and for each other. Maybe you both fell short. And, maybe one or both of you had expectations that the other could not fulfill (without making changes in who they are) and no you can see that unmet expectations led to more frustration, disappointment, and possibly anger and/or a lack of respect. Now you can start to focus on meeting each others needs and work on both of you healing and growing beyond the wounded selves you began as. If you switch your focus to showing love, behaving lovingly, even when you don’t totally feel so loving, you might be surprised by the result.
3. Create a ‘vision’ of what you would like your relationship to be like now. Years have passed, life has surely changed since you were dating, so it would be reasonable to come up with a new plan that might better fit your life circumstances now.  Working on this together, and/or with a Certified Vision Board Counselor, will be easier than trying to communicate in words, plus it will be a nice way to discuss your needs and wants quietly.
4. Get outside help – and that does not mean family or friends!
5. Get serious about either talking with each other, if you can, or making the time available for each of you to attend your sessions with a coach/counsellor.
6. Listen to each other. Remember we have two eyes, two ears, and only one mouth for a reason.
7. Share the truth of your relationship problems with family and close friends - without giving details. Your marital issues are private and personal, but the fact that you are trying to save your marriage will probably be pleasant news to some people and they might even offer to babysit!
8. Do not allow your discussions to become battles. If/when talking with each other becomes difficult, combative, or insulting, stop talking. Take a time out to cool down. The goal is to save the marriage!
9. Avoid the ‘toxic’ topics that you find yourselves arguing about constantly. Accept that your conflict style is not working for this, and maybe other issues, and let a professional help you deal with those.
10. Work at being polite and friendly. A smile usually helps to lighten the mood and spread a welcoming atmosphere in your home for everyone – your children do not deserve to be in a nasty/cold home.

 

The most important statement that a couple can say to each other, even when they feel it is hopeless, is something like, "Divorce will not be an option for us. We will do whatever it takes to work out our differences - no matter what.” 

Doing small, daily, positive actions go a long way in showing you care. And, honest words of appreciation and acknowledgment will validate your partner’s efforts and help end a feeling of being taken for granted. So, watch your words and your actions! That old rhyme of sticks and stones being able to break our bones but never harm us is not true. They can break hearts and destroy love. 

Before accusing your partner of being at fault for the serious state of your relationship, analyze yourself.  Most of the time we tend to overrate ourselves and underrate others. So, do not hesitate to correct yourself and say sorry for your part – because you both shared in creating the relationship as it is. Whether it was what you did, or did not do, you are both responsible for how it is now. 

And yet, no matter what situation your marriage is in - if you're willing to work on saving your relationship, you'll be amazed at how much better it can be in just a few months!

Saving your marriage is not about begging or pleading with your partner to stay, giving in to their demands, forcing them to accept your way, punishing them for their faults, or trying to get them to understand that everything that went wrong is all their fault - and not yours! It’s about each of you working on your own issues so that the two people in the relationship can start from inner peace and acceptance of themselves. Then, as each of you is able to view themselves, the other, and the relationship in a new light, without the past hurts and disappointments controlling your perspective, you will be able to support each other in figuring out and expressing your needs and wants in the marriage. 

I have truly seen miracles work with troubled marriages that first appeared to be absolutely beyond repair.  

 

You can strengthen your marriage foundation – and get reconnected with your spouse!

I often tell people that love is falling in love over and over again… with the same person. Once you discover how to fall in love again by renewing the intimacy, restoring the trust and learning how to communicate in ways that show acceptance, respect, connection and appreciation in the ways that you each need it to be… you will finally have the marriage or relationship you actually want. 

Here are a few more ideas to get things started on working on rebuilding your relationship:

·         If body image has affected the intimacy in your relationship, go to the gym to work out together, encouraging each other on personal goals rather than focusing on the flaws.

·         If you have been saying negative things to each other, make a deal to counter that by paying two compliments per negative one from now on; like putting a quarter in a jar for each swear word.

·         Since you probably forgot when you pleased each other, sit down together and share the most memorable ways that your partner demonstrated their love for you over the years.

·         Once a day, express appreciation for 3 things about your partner or something that they did.

Saving your marriage may take a lot of work, but it can reward with the relationship of your dreams!

If you feel comfortable enough to try to get back on the right track of loving each other the right ways follow the “28 Days to Make Your Relationship Sizzle” calendar: 

If you would like to receive your own copy of this calendar, simply email me

                                                               

Want to Reduce Family Holiday Stress?

Although holiday time means presents and no school for most American kids, it can also be a stressful time - particularly with so many families facing financial hardship, in families where there's a recent loss of a loved one, and with the challenges faced by split or blended families.

 

Family stress is going up. According to the American Psychological Association's survey, Stress in America 2010, 73% of parents report family responsibilities as a top stress. 32% of parents report their stress is extreme (8 on a 10 scale). Most parents realize they are living with unhealthy stress levels: 69% know it's important to manage their stress, but only 32% say they are doing a very good job of it.

 

Children know when their parents are having a hard time, and it does affect them: 47% of tweens and 33% of teens feel sad when their parents are stressed; 36% of tweens and 43% of teens worry; and 25% of tweens and 38% of teens feel frustrated when experiencing their parents in such a state.

 

Now is the perfect time to start turning family stress around. Here are 7 simple holiday stress-reducing strategies that can make a difference - holiday time or any time. 

 

(1) Visualize a heart-filled holiday.  You can do this one at the dinner table. Have everyone in the family close their eyes, focus on their heart, and imagine what kind of holiday will bring joy into their hearts. Then share your ideas around the table. This helps kids feel listened to, cared for, and included.

 

(2) Give the gift of calmness.  Ancient wisdom and modern research point to the calming effects and health benefits of slow, deep breathing. Make a regular practice of taking 1 to 5 minutes each day of relaxing "balloon breathing." Breathe in to a count of 3 about 2 inches below the navel, imagining there's a balloon filling up with air, and out to that same slow count. It'll center and rebalance every family member to face the joys and inevitable disappointments of the holiday season.

 

(3) Offer distress a voice.  If this is your child's first holiday without a loved one - grandpa passed away, or big sister is in Afghanistan - younger family members may feel a deep sense of loss. Or maybe your child is feeling the stress of a recent divorce. Give her paper and markers, and ask her to draw whatever is making her sad or mad. Then ask her what the picture wants to say out loud. Often, putting a face on an emotion and letting it "speak" makes a child feel better - and gives a parent a way to understand what's going on inside.

 

(4) Sweat is sweet.  Kids (and adults) can get all pent up during holiday time. Surprise little ones by clearing the furniture out of the center of the room, turning on some fun music, and dancing vigorously for 10 minutes. Or bundle up the family and take a wintry walk while playing "I Spy." Exercise releases feel-good chemical and is one of the fastest ways to chase away holiday blahs and instill a sense of togetherness.

 

(5) Blow out negativity, light up hope.  Create a family ritual of hope. Have two candles for each family member: one lit, one not. Have each imagine what they'd like to let go of - what no longer serves them - and say, "I'm going to toss this out (anger, worry, meanness to my sister) when I blow this candle out." Then light a new candle and share, "I hope to bring in (kindness, faith, cleaning my room) as I light anew." Let go of the old and bring in the new. You can use one candle to symbolize all, or light up your whole home with several.

 

(6) Be grateful for who you live with. Avoid some of the little and big jealousies that crop up from comparing who has a bigger present or counting how many gifts go to whom by starting early and giving gifts of appreciation - to each family member. Take the whole month of December (or start at Thanksgiving) and every day have each person share something they appreciate about another (big brother allowing younger sister to hang out in his room). Make a running list and post on the fridge or in the family room to remind each other when stresses build that you really do care about and love each other.

 

(7) Spread the joy around. The time-honored tradition of helping others can shift priorities. If kids or teens are moping around or showing signs of stress, take them to the local soup kitchen to serve meals. Visit a nursing home with hand-made cards or offer a free concert. Helping others gives kids a feeling of more control and a sense of being both useful and appreciated.

About Dr. Charlotte Reznick 
Charlotte Reznick PhD specializes in helping children and adolescents develop the emotional skills necessary for a happy and successful life. She is a licensed educational psychologist and Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at UCLA. Dr. Charlotte is the creator of Imagery For Kids^TM: Breakthrough for Learning, Creativity, and Empowerment and is the author/ producer of several therapeutic CDs for children, teens, and parents. An international workshop leader on the healing power of children's imagination, she maintains a private practice in Los Angeles, California. Visit www.ImageryForKids.com

All Content Copyright ©2010 Charlotte Reznick PhD, All rights reserved.

Change is good, but does it have to mean divorce?

(514) 804-3585

Coaching on skype, the telephone and face-to-face!

 

This coaching service is for everyday, healthy people who are experiencing a troubled relationship and want help, without years in therapy! 

I will do my best to help you dramatically improve and save your relationship... 

but, if we absolutely can not, I will help you and yours through a family reconstruction rather than leaving you on your own for a possible family destruction!

 

Here are some testimonials from a few former clients:

"I began meeting with Sharon Shenker as my relationship with my husband continued to deteriorate. I had many things to sort out with my failing relationship. Made only harder to sort through as I still had many issues I had not properly addressed from my family of origin.

As I told her of my stresses, Sharon didn’t sit idly by and only prod me with questions as a psychological councellor might have. She spoke one-on-one with me as an equal, countered with stories I could relate to, told me what theories I could look into (as the IMAGO theory), and gave me homework to do which ranged from journaling to working on concrete exercises specific to my needs.


I liked the flow of the meetings. Unlike a psychological councellor’s approach where it seems to lead to nowhere but to more one sided talking, Sharon actively guided me through my issues with practical suggestions that I could implement. I much preferred this approach rather than spilling my woes to a silent, head nodding person who just kept telling me to come back. I also felt I was in control of the length of time I chose to see her.

Throughout the last 3 years, I have returned to Sharon with subsequent issues which arose as I worked through the initial issues with which I had come to her. It was not always an uplifting experience to dredge up the painful and harmful habits one has, but it was always worth seeing her.

I highly recommend this lovely, heart warming woman to accompany you on your journey to a more joyous and fulfilling life!

Peace, Helen G."

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"I can't tell you enough how glad we are that we found you and worked with you on improving our relationship before the wedding! There's no doubt in our minds that you saved our marriage before it even began. God Bless you."

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"Sharon’s approach is very proactive, and for us that was just what the doctor ordered. Her approach is not to dwell on what is wrong but to focus on making things right, by building new skills and practicing new behaviours. With Sharon’s help, we came back from the brink of separation, and are now doing very well. Sharon saved our marriage, and that is not an exaggeration!"

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"Just before entering our first meeting with Sharon we were arguing and crying. An hour and a half later we were laughing and hugging each other. It was the first step in a long healing process. Now our relationship is the best it has been in years! Sharon has the unique ability to sort through all difficulties a couple may be suffering from and deal with them one at a time, putting the couple on a steady path to recovery."

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"It is the tools I have been given that made the difference. The year I was in therapy gave me an environment to vent, but didn’t provide any tools or solutions... You have given me the tools and techniques with which to deal with my ex-wife, my life, and to solve my own problems effectively!"

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"Thank you so so much!! You're like an angel that came into my life this year. I truly appreciate the great work that you are doing with my family. I'm so grateful to you."

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"I wish Mommy and Daddy would come learn this stuff too." 8 years old

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"There was a marked improvement in his behaviour when he was seeing you. Please try to get the parents to resume with you."  - Elementary School Principal

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"Sharon’s approach as a ‘Life Coach’ is truly hands-on and solution oriented."

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"I found Divorce Support Plus when I was looking for a support group to help me cope with my children’s reactions and my own feelings towards my recent separation…. I found comfort, understanding, guidance and help. I also found a coach who gave me many tools and practical advice to go through the process of divorcing; I learned to know, trust and love myself better; I learned to let go of the past, live in tune with the present, and look forward to the future... I have changed my outlook on life. Many, Many Thanks."

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"Thank you for encouraging me to move forward when I didn’t know how to. Your insight and perspective helped me see things clearly, and your guidance helped me change my life!"

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"I hated having to come at first because I thought you were just going to be on her side, too. Everyone from (Youth Protection Service) only saw my frustration and anger, but you’ve really listened to me, and seen my frustration with the system. Now I realize that I feel so much better each time after we speak cause I was able to let go of some of the anger and start my future. Thank you for letting me call you so often. It helped me so much."

As the above testimonials show, some people come to create a change in their life and relationships that involve a divorce... and some come to save their marriage or relationship by dramatically changing for the better!

If your relationship is experiencing difficulties... don't just sit in the 'yuk' of it! Contact me...

Love The Right Ways... or you may need Divorce Support Plus

 

 

Love the Right Ways... or you may need Divorce Support Plus

Originally posted Thursday, March 13, 2008, 12:02 - Coaching by Sharon Shenker

Dear Friends,

As a Family & Relationship Coach for almost ten years now... and as a woman, mother, daughter, sister, friend, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, and who knows what else... I know that falling in love with someone is easy, yet keeping the love going strong on a daily basis in a long-term relationship, whether that means your marriage, parent-child, or even your sister-sister relationship, is not easy!

It requires great effort, and self-awareness more than other-awareness and skills! Whatever your relationships are at this time in your life, I'm willing to bet that a little help with some personality-based living hints would come in handy.

Imagine filling out a simple multiple choice form and finally 'getting' why s/he thinks and behaves the way they do... and why it annoys you! The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator does just that. It not only identifies common areas of difference that can cause mis-communications and conflict, it provides a non-judgmental, neutral language for discussing misunderstandings and irritations, so that we can begin creating a gentler flow in the relationship. After all, more harmony and a better understanding of each other is what we all want in our relationships, isn't it?

Couples, individuals, families, work teams, ...anyone can make constructive use of their differences with the help of an MBTI analysis.

Let me know if you're interested. Or, if you've had it done, let me know what you thought of it - did it help your relationship?

From Dreadful to Grateful Living

 

 

From Dreadful to Grateful Living 

Friday, March 21, 2008, 11:42 - Coaching

From Dreadful to Grateful Living

“My life is the definition of Murphy’s Law!”

“I love my life, even the challenges that help me grow.”

It’s very common for me, in my work as a coach who specializes in divorce, to hear the first statement above. Naturally, the majority of my clients are the partners that were left and they come to me at a time when they are dealing with the pain of a disappointing, failing or failed long-term relationship… so, the idea of it ending isn’t quite thought of as a growth challenge – yet. In fact, many of the men and women who speak with me see their partners as selfish and disrespecting of their feelings, needs and wants. I hear a great deal of ‘I didn’t see this coming at all’, ‘what about my rights?’, ‘it’s not fair!’ and ‘My life is over now, cause I can’t live without him/her.” So, they are in a state of shock or denial, trying to make sense of what has happened to their life with a shattered sense of self-esteem on top of what feels like an upside-down life that’s making them feel very insecure and unsafe… or, they are already in the rollercoaster stage and they are bouncing between being angry, depressed and bargaining to get their partner back.

One of the first things I have to do is to help them decide whether their relationship can be saved and rebuilt or not. When there is no choice for this partner because the other is certain, and perhaps already moved on to someone else, we begin the work of healing, through acceptance, growth and empowerment. It’s often a matter of helping someone get back or take control of the rest of their life by learning how to change their own attitude, expectations and life skills… so that they can forgive, if possible, trust themselves and move on.

But, one of life’s greatest challenges for so many people is hanging on to a positive attitude. And, believe me; I know how hard it can be! I’ve had quite a few disappointments and surprises in my own life. Honestly, I have always battled myself with a thought and attitude pattern that I’ll call “Dreadful Living.” Yes, as much as I wish I could say that I always ‘walk the talk,’ I am human like you and I too sometimes falter. I always tell my clients that every one of us humans has strengths and weaknesses, skills and dysfunctions, really great learned patterns and some stinkin’ thinkin’ patterns that they can work on. Virginia Satir, the creator of the family therapy model I trained in, is known to have said that 95% of people come from dysfunctional families to some degree, yet I am still waiting to meet someone that belongs to that group of 5% of the population! So, how can you and I work on changing from a ‘Murphy’s Law’ dreadful living attitude to the more pleasant and healthy grateful one?

By the way, this is not just a lesson for people reeling from a divorce! Even if your marriage is fine, developing a grateful attitude can do wonders for you, your family, and for all of your interpersonal relationships! One of the worst dis-eases of attitude is complaining, because when we complain, we aren’t only focusing on what’s wrong with or ruining our mood, we are also making everyone we speak to hear it. So, unfortunately, by complaining we are probably even adding to the problem because then the people we feel closest to (we did choose to confide in them!) want to hide from us and our negative ranting.

According to ‘the secret’ we would be so much better off if we shift our focus to what is ‘right’ and ‘good’ about our life because, aside from events actually just being neutral and therefore it being merely our attitude that determines whether or not something negative has transpired, but we create what happens in our life from our thoughts!

So, I don’t know about you, but the next time I find myself disappointed with how a situation turned out or was handled, I’m going to take some time to learn from the experience. I will begin by determining what I expected to happen so I can see the difference. Then I will try to see what I can actually learn from what did happen. And instead of chancing doing the same thing again, I will figure out what I can do differently in the future if a similar situation arises. I’m also going to try really hard to stretch myself to see what it would be like to be grateful that the situation happened just as it did. I’ll find something to say to myself so that I can feel "spared" from something much worse. You know, like- if I hated having to eat broccoli, I could certainly tell myself that it would be so much worse if I was homeless and starving. Maybe then I would be able to feel genuinely grateful for the broccoli experience and all it brought me - seeing if we can find the gift in each situation for us.

Here’s a little exercise I give my clients to do: Write in a Daily Gratitude Journal (like on Oprah!)
At the end of each day, take some time to review your day and find at least five (5) things that you are glad happened. It can be something simple, like the sun was shining (and ignore how cold the temperature was!) or that it was so nice to receive a smile from your neighbor. Basically, look for all the signs that life isn’t out to get you and only throws you the leftover stuff you hate. It’ll actually help you to stop dwelling on the negative and start looking forward to what just might happen for you tomorrow!

Here’s mine for today already:
I'm feeling very grateful for the arrival of spring, the sun shining through the windows of my cozy home, the companionship of my cat, and my mother who I just finished speaking with. (Thanks for the call, Mom!) And most of all, I'm grateful for the ability to do the work I love, providing Family & Relationship Coaching to others. So, if you know of anyone who could use some great tools, guidance, and support, please refer them to me or my blog.

If you have a hard time finding things to be grateful for, then I strongly encourage you to schedule a coaching session so we can start today to change your life!

Wishing you and yours all the best,

Sharon Shenker, founder,
www.divorcesupportplus.ca
www.lovingtherightways.com
514-804-3585