This is the latest divorce joke I just heard about:
"One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."
Unfortunately, there are so many people who still believe this old perspective on divorce. In fact, there are many OLD divorce cases where this was not even the case. For example, when I got divorced about twenty-eight years ago, my ex-husband was self-employed and managed to convince the court that he was so poor he couldn't event afford the minimum for two children... a few years later it was discovered that he paid more to lease each one of his cars two cars than he gave as child support and alimentary pension to me for his two daughters. I know a lot of women managed to 'take their men to the cleaners' or 'got the shirt off their backs' but this is not the norm.
If it was so common, why the heck would so many single mothers be struggling?! Why would so many children of divorce have to go to college/university with huge loan debts to pay back later? And, why did I not have all the luxuries my ex-husband and his second wife get to have?
Come on people. Stop making and spreading jokes like this that have nothing to do with reality nowadays. The court systems are doing their best to make sure that neither scenario ever happens again. Thank goodness!
Author:
Sharon Shenker, Founder of Divorce Support Plus
www.divorcesupportplus.ca
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
END the Silence of Domestic Violence NOW!
I'm keeping my eyes and ears on what Dr Phil plans on doing this year as he claims to be taking a stand this year to END THE SILENCE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
I hope you'll listen too and share some of your experiences.
Domestic violence does not usually begin with physical violence - please be aware, it normally starts with emotional control and put-downs, isolation, humiliation, etc., etc.
Are you a victim of abuse in a relationship? Was it a significant other? A parent? Sibling? Whether Dr Phil makes it a big issue for the year, I promise to.
Stay tuned for more discussions on the subject, and please, please, join in.
Author:
Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their often struggling families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com
I hope you'll listen too and share some of your experiences.
Domestic violence does not usually begin with physical violence - please be aware, it normally starts with emotional control and put-downs, isolation, humiliation, etc., etc.
Are you a victim of abuse in a relationship? Was it a significant other? A parent? Sibling? Whether Dr Phil makes it a big issue for the year, I promise to.
Stay tuned for more discussions on the subject, and please, please, join in.
Author:
Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their often struggling families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
How would you punish an adulterer?
I just read an online article about an Iranian woman who has been sentenced to such extreme punishment for committing adultery (when her husband was already dead!) and I just had to share it with you.
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/World/2010/09/06/15259181.html
Did you notice the sentence that said he had died the year before?!?
After all my years of working with couples going through relationship difficulties and divorces, many of which were because of adultery, I am so glad we live in a country that does not stone the cheaters. Oh, don't get me wrong, I am sure as heck not saying cheating is okay. In fact, if any man I was in a relationship with cheated on me instead of working on any problematic issues we had that made him feel like looking elsewhere I would have no second thoughts about ending that relationship. That is partly because honesty and trust are really big issues to me, but mostly because I would have seen to it from get-go of dating me that I would never accept that behavior. No one ever cheated on me, if that's what you thought. It's that I know I would never feel that I could trust him again. I grew up in a family with a lot of lies and secrets, and my ex-husband lied a lot. I insist upon only being with people that I believe to honest and therefore trustworthy people.
I have worked with couples in which partners were totally oblivious to all the signs of a cheating partner, a few that did not care because they were also getting some outside, and plenty that were being so fooled it made me angry. I remember one couple that I actually had to tell the wife that if she wanted to continue working with me she had two weeks to inform her husband that she was cheating. I told her she did not have to tell him that her lover was her husband's best friend who was over at their home almost daily, but I will not work or live against my values.
People who are lying to their partners and cheating on them are not going to be my clients because I have personal ethics that flow into my career. I work with couples to repair their relationship disconnect and rebuild their friendship and romantic bond... but, I do not think the cheaters should be stoned to death. I don't even think they all need to be divorced. Many couples I have worked with were able to heal and create a better relationship than they ever had - because they each worked through their own issues that they entered the marriage or relationship with.
All couples lives with issues; ever human being has issues. There are things about everyone's partner that annoys them or even drives them crazy. And none of us is a saint. We all do things that can drive our partner crazy - thank goodness most couples will learn how to accept each other, quirks and all. The idea of trying to improve a union is one of the best ideas most couples can make. I have never really believed that you just go to the justice of the peace, or your rabbi or priest and voila, you are happily married. I believe that you become married, truly married, over time, by going through all the big and small issues that you never really expected would come up and you didn't plan for... but you either found that your communicating and problem-solving skills (that you learned from your family of origin) were good enough to see you through the tough times, or you learned they did not suffice.... and hopefully sought some help before one of you got to that strange point of 'falling' out of love with the other.
Monogamy, to me, is one of the most basic concepts of marriage. A promise to forsake all others. A promise. Many of us have attachment issues from our childhood that can contaminate our relationships, but if we are old enough to marry, I think we should be wise enough to know when we need to seek some help for ourselves and/or for our relationships.
But, back to the article mentioned for just a moment, I do not believe in stoning someone for cheating on their dead or living husband or wife!
If you are in a long-term relationship that seems to need a kick in the love pants, and you need something to start you with, try this exercise with your partner:
Complete this sentence with as many responses as you can: "I feel loved and cared about when you..."
If one or both of you have trouble coming up with answers, sit quietly with your eyes closed, thinking back to the romantic stage of your relationship, and answer this question: "I used to feel loved and cared about when you..."
One of the most important truths for people to understand, in my professional opinion, is that marriages are not actually the means to wish fulfillment. Getting a mate does not mean the end to loneliness or discontent with oneself. Marriage means having someone to go through life with... and hopefully, falling in love with over and over - but it must be with the same person!
And if your partner does commit adultery, please do not 'bobbit it' or stone him or her to death. If seeking outside help does not bring your relationship to a better place for each of you, and life in your household has become a living hell for your kids, then divorce might be the answer... but, even then, you will need to learn how to communicate and make decisions together, for the sake of your children, and so that you both get to be at their weddings!
About the Author:
Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com
Please do not copy this article without the complete copyright information.
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/World/2010/09/06/15259181.html
Did you notice the sentence that said he had died the year before?!?
After all my years of working with couples going through relationship difficulties and divorces, many of which were because of adultery, I am so glad we live in a country that does not stone the cheaters. Oh, don't get me wrong, I am sure as heck not saying cheating is okay. In fact, if any man I was in a relationship with cheated on me instead of working on any problematic issues we had that made him feel like looking elsewhere I would have no second thoughts about ending that relationship. That is partly because honesty and trust are really big issues to me, but mostly because I would have seen to it from get-go of dating me that I would never accept that behavior. No one ever cheated on me, if that's what you thought. It's that I know I would never feel that I could trust him again. I grew up in a family with a lot of lies and secrets, and my ex-husband lied a lot. I insist upon only being with people that I believe to honest and therefore trustworthy people.
I have worked with couples in which partners were totally oblivious to all the signs of a cheating partner, a few that did not care because they were also getting some outside, and plenty that were being so fooled it made me angry. I remember one couple that I actually had to tell the wife that if she wanted to continue working with me she had two weeks to inform her husband that she was cheating. I told her she did not have to tell him that her lover was her husband's best friend who was over at their home almost daily, but I will not work or live against my values.
People who are lying to their partners and cheating on them are not going to be my clients because I have personal ethics that flow into my career. I work with couples to repair their relationship disconnect and rebuild their friendship and romantic bond... but, I do not think the cheaters should be stoned to death. I don't even think they all need to be divorced. Many couples I have worked with were able to heal and create a better relationship than they ever had - because they each worked through their own issues that they entered the marriage or relationship with.
All couples lives with issues; ever human being has issues. There are things about everyone's partner that annoys them or even drives them crazy. And none of us is a saint. We all do things that can drive our partner crazy - thank goodness most couples will learn how to accept each other, quirks and all. The idea of trying to improve a union is one of the best ideas most couples can make. I have never really believed that you just go to the justice of the peace, or your rabbi or priest and voila, you are happily married. I believe that you become married, truly married, over time, by going through all the big and small issues that you never really expected would come up and you didn't plan for... but you either found that your communicating and problem-solving skills (that you learned from your family of origin) were good enough to see you through the tough times, or you learned they did not suffice.... and hopefully sought some help before one of you got to that strange point of 'falling' out of love with the other.
Monogamy, to me, is one of the most basic concepts of marriage. A promise to forsake all others. A promise. Many of us have attachment issues from our childhood that can contaminate our relationships, but if we are old enough to marry, I think we should be wise enough to know when we need to seek some help for ourselves and/or for our relationships.
But, back to the article mentioned for just a moment, I do not believe in stoning someone for cheating on their dead or living husband or wife!
If you are in a long-term relationship that seems to need a kick in the love pants, and you need something to start you with, try this exercise with your partner:
Complete this sentence with as many responses as you can: "I feel loved and cared about when you..."
If one or both of you have trouble coming up with answers, sit quietly with your eyes closed, thinking back to the romantic stage of your relationship, and answer this question: "I used to feel loved and cared about when you..."
One of the most important truths for people to understand, in my professional opinion, is that marriages are not actually the means to wish fulfillment. Getting a mate does not mean the end to loneliness or discontent with oneself. Marriage means having someone to go through life with... and hopefully, falling in love with over and over - but it must be with the same person!
And if your partner does commit adultery, please do not 'bobbit it' or stone him or her to death. If seeking outside help does not bring your relationship to a better place for each of you, and life in your household has become a living hell for your kids, then divorce might be the answer... but, even then, you will need to learn how to communicate and make decisions together, for the sake of your children, and so that you both get to be at their weddings!
About the Author:
Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com
Please do not copy this article without the complete copyright information.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Can a divorce be amicable?
I have devoted about thirty years of my life working with children and their families. During the first fifteen or so years, my 'clients' were the children, but I talked with their parents regularly. Conversation were not just about how the kids had behaved that day. Most conversations were actually about parenting skills, parenting style differences between the parents, and issues within their relationships that had nothing to do with the children or child-rearing. I heard about so much emotional pain, confusion and suffering within some of those family homes. And, obviously, I was not spared; I had my own relationship difficulties, unhappiness, and fear.
During and after my high conflict divorce, I was convinced that there had to be somewhere for people to receive more help while going through all the emotional pain, confusion, agonies, fear and/or regret that separation and divorce can bring. We all want to get to the other side... to move on with our lives, amicably...
I couldn't find anyone to help me in those days, so I've worked very hard at becoming good at helping other people do this. I chose to specialize in helping other families, couples and individuals on the verge of divorce or already going through one. And I still often think of the children as my 'clients' but their parents pay me to help them.
See, I would never want to offend any of my clients, or make them any more upset than they already are with divorce looming over them. And, I hope you believe me and understand this because... I truly believe that many, many parents are the cause of their children's pain and suffering during and after a divorce. In fact, that's why I wrote my book, My Family Has Two Houses; to help the children cope with and recover from their parents' divorce.
So, here's the first part of what I want to say to any parent on the verge of divorce...
In all my years of working with troubled, divorcing and divorced families I can tell you in total honesty that this is truly the only attitude and choice of behavior that will give you the best chance of a decent, respectful, fair, thoughtful and positive divorce... with the chance of a peaceful enough co-parenting relationship that you can move on towards a positive future.
With the help of a me as your coach, I guarantee that you will:
Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com
During and after my high conflict divorce, I was convinced that there had to be somewhere for people to receive more help while going through all the emotional pain, confusion, agonies, fear and/or regret that separation and divorce can bring. We all want to get to the other side... to move on with our lives, amicably...
I couldn't find anyone to help me in those days, so I've worked very hard at becoming good at helping other people do this. I chose to specialize in helping other families, couples and individuals on the verge of divorce or already going through one. And I still often think of the children as my 'clients' but their parents pay me to help them.
See, I would never want to offend any of my clients, or make them any more upset than they already are with divorce looming over them. And, I hope you believe me and understand this because... I truly believe that many, many parents are the cause of their children's pain and suffering during and after a divorce. In fact, that's why I wrote my book, My Family Has Two Houses; to help the children cope with and recover from their parents' divorce.
So, here's the first part of what I want to say to any parent on the verge of divorce...
- Divorce can sure as heck bring out the worst in anyone... but it doesn't have to... if you are prepared with support from a third party who is both a professional and not emotionally involved.
- Divorce can bring personal pain, confusion, and feelings of failure or devastation... but it doesn't have to... if you are prepared about more than the financial and legal aspects of divorce.
- Divorce can be a time of weakness, fear, and despair... but it doesn't have to. As strange as it sounds, divorce can be turned into a time of personal growth and therefore become a positive experience... when you are really prepared, mentally and emotionally, with the right information and guidance.
- Divorce can be an expensive paper and word battle field with your personal information being shared with strangers... but it doesn't have to... You don't have to participate in the traditional war on paper through affidavits being sent back and forth to your lawyers, and in front of a judge in court. You can choose to have a more cooperative and emotionally mature divorce... and spend the saved money on yourself and your kids!
In all my years of working with troubled, divorcing and divorced families I can tell you in total honesty that this is truly the only attitude and choice of behavior that will give you the best chance of a decent, respectful, fair, thoughtful and positive divorce... with the chance of a peaceful enough co-parenting relationship that you can move on towards a positive future.
With the help of a me as your coach, I guarantee that you will:
- receive the information and guidance you need to communicate this choice to your lawyer.
- be confident in knowing that you will not be cheated or misguided during the divorce.
- discover ways to reduce anger within yourself as well as how not to escalate your partner's anger.
- learn and practice ways to handle and respond appropriately, rather than emotionally reacting.
- improve your self-esteem and reduce any sense of shame or embarrassment about your divorce.
- become aware of the fact that each of us is 100% responsible for our actions... and therefore, know that if your partner cheated on you, it was not because of you.
- experience an amicable divorce so that you and your children can live in peace and harmony.
Sharon Shenker, Family Life Coach
After many years of working with children and their families, Sharon founded Divorce Support Plus to help couples prevent family breakdowns by reconnecting lovingly (http://www.lovingtherightways.com)or to assist them through and beyond a separation or divorce (http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca). For further information, phone: 514.804.3585 or email her directly at sharonshenker@gmail.com
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The Rebuilding Checklist
Surviving a divorce is one thing; thriving after one is quite another!
We've all seen people who divorced ten or twenty yeas ago and still talk or act as if their life has been ruined by their former spouse, right? Well, when I meet or hear about someone like that I always wonder how different their lives could have been if they had gotten some help to go through the whole grief and recovery process years ago... to be able to rebuild their life successfully.
So, whether you are presently in the midst of a breakup of still dealing with the residual feelings from a relationship long gone, TODAY can be a major turning point in your life, healing, and rebuilding by taking the following quiz to see how well you're doing in your recovery and growth.
Take a look at this 'rebuilding after a divorce' checklist:
1. On an average day I feel:
A. life is not worth living without my partner; I feel like such a failure.
B. an occasional feeling of concern for the future but mostly excited for what the future holds as I reach new goals.
C. like I'm bouncing around from doom and gloom to scared and anxious, and occasionally excited.
D. a bit sad about what could or should have been, but I've mostly accepted that we're getting divorced.
2. How much of the 'failed' relationship do you feel is/was your responsibility?
A. Since a relationship involves two people 50-50 equally, we are each equally accountable for the breakup.
B. Not a single thing. I did everything I could to get my partner to see that s/he needed professional help.
C. I probably did a few things I shouldn't have, but when you're with a partner like I had it's impossible not to.
D. I'm prepared to take 100% responsibility for the relationship ending, even though it was a 50-50 partnership, because I am accountable for 100% of my actions and reactions, so I must have added to the problems at times by either doing something damaging, or not doing something helpful.
3. Post-Divorce relations with my former partner would best be described as:
A. I try to keep an open mind to the fact that neither of us is perfect and we are both doing our best for our children.
B. We differ so much in our points of view and parenting styles that it's almost impossible to have a conversation.
C. Our relations are so difficult but very real - not like all the other liars who say that they forgive and get along with their former partners and treat each other like "friends".
D. In a word: "useless!" I hate my ex and always will. S/He ruined my life because of their lying/cheating/stealing/...
4. When I hear or read that "self-care" is important after a split, I immediately think:
A. I go out every Friday night and have a great time! I don't know how much more I can do when it comes to self-care.
B. Self-care? You've got to be kidding me! Get out of bed, dressing and eating is all I can do right now.
C. My friends have mentioned self-care and I'm looking into it. I'm learning what it means, how it can help me and what I need to do.
D. I'm not relying on anyone else to care for me. I'm caring for myself and taking responsibility for my own health and personal growth.
5. My children hear me saying something nice or positive about their other parent:
A. Never. There's nothing positive or nice to say.
B. They haven't yet, but I'm working on it. I know it's important to them.
C. At least once a week - usually before or after the exchange.
D. I do it all the time. After all, my former partner is their other parent.
6. Since the divorce, my feelings about love are best described as:
A. I consider this break-up to be a failure on my part. I truly doubt that I have the ability to ever have a lasting relationship.
B. I look forward to falling in love again. Only next time, it will be with someone I know better and we love each other the right way.
C. Like the book says, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Obviously, men and women don't belong together.
D. I'm trying to learn my lessons from this divorce so that I'll be able to create a better relationship next time around.
7. In light of handling new routines, schedules and activities, how do new goals fit into your life now?
A. I think change happens in stages, so I've set new goals, made some accomplishments, and look forward to many more.
B. Everyone expects so much of me yet do nothing for me or I have to wait forever when I ask for something. I don't have the opportunity to set new goals.
C. I've started setting some goals but am still struggling to get the routine stuff under control. I'm sure I will soon, though.
D. I'm totally overwhelmed! New goals are not a priority and won't be for quite some time - if ever.
8. Right now, my view on support groups, coaching or participating in a relationship review is:
A. I would love to try something but I have no idea where to find these services or who to call.
B. Nothing is going to change the past, so why bother?
C. I don't think they're for me. A friend tried getting outside help and said it wasn't worth it.
D. I take advantage of every opportunity for personal growth. Learning my lessons, with outside help, really allows me to move forward.
9. After everything I've been through with this divorce, putting myself out there to date is:
A. A very scary idea. I don't know if my heart can handle another disappointment.
B. I certainly expect to fall madly in love one day. I have a list of the characteristics I'm looking for in a partner and look for "the one" everywhere I go.
C. I'm exciting about meeting new people now that I've reviewed my relationship history and I understand my needs and wants better.
D. I believe in love, but not looking for it. If it's meant to happen, love will find me.
10. Are you putting out positive energy to others around you?
A. I'm so glad I'm doing well enough to give to others by volunteering/acknowledging the success of others.
B. I've been trying to come out my shell and have been catching up with friends and family.
C. I'm focusing on myself right now so I can't really dedicate any time and energy on others.
D. I avoid people to the extent of isolating myself since I have nothing to give, so it's isn't a problem.
Here's the way to calculate your score:
1. A=0, B=3, C=1, D=2
2. A=2, B=0, C=1, D=3
3. A=3, B=2, C=1, D=0
4. A=1, B=0, C=2, D=3
5. A=0, B=1, C=2, D=3
6. A=1, B=3, C=0, D=2
7. A=3, B=1, C=2, D=0
8. A=2, B=0, C=1, D=3
9. A=0, B=2, C=3, D=1
10. A=3, B=2, C=1, D=0
Tally up your total and see how well you are doing.
Score : 1-9 is Stuck in splitsville
It sounds as though you haven't been able to deal with the sadness and anger that normally come with divorce recovery. It could that the split is fairly recent or it's just taking you time to work though the hurt. On the other hand, you may be stuck because you haven't accepted your own share of responsibility for the break-up of your marriage. Sure, you may feel that you have every right to blame your ex, but unless you start to take responsibility for your part of the relationship, and accept that it just did not work out for the two of you together, moving forward will be difficult - if not impossible. You might want to learn more about 'the emotional divorce' being a normal part of the process and consider having open, honest conversation with a coach or counselor. Remember, you can do it!
Score : 10-20 is Heading out of town
As the saying goes, "You've come a long way, baby!" But, you're not quite where you want to be yet. Remember that there isn't a time limit on how long you should take to work your way through the emotions that normally come with divorce. Yet, if you're feeling that you have made some progress but can't seem to get where you want to be, you may need some help. Think about it as 'making the the rest of your life the best years of your life'. Do you want to start dating again some day, but feel a touch insecure or scared? Maybe you want to take some classes or change careers and would benefit from some guidance. Perhaps your goal is to accept your ex for who they are and start working together at being the best co-parents you can each be for the children? Whatever it is that you're working towards, know that you CAN do it! Continue to make time for yourself to learn more about the 'emotional divorce' and consider learning from others who have 'been there and done that.' You would be able to reach your goals much faster, and easier, if you reach out for some help from someone who works at helping others get through a divorce, and over the humps... to thrive. Keep going, you're almost there!
Score : 21-30 is So over it!
Congratulations! It sounds like you've worked through your divorce, or have cleared major hurdles in splitsville. Sure, it may have been tough at times, but you've come out of it with your head held high and your confidence intact. If you have set goals for yourself, now is the time to fine-tune your plan for achieving them. Just remember that during the healing process you can still go through a setback now and then. Don't let it get you down, and do not take it as meaning you are a failure; it's just part of the process. To keep yourself working toward your new and rewarding life, don't feel as if you have to do it alone. For the finishing touches on your journey, you can hire a coach to help you out and to be sure that you do not repeat any of the negative patterns from this past relationship, or from your family of origin.
Keep your head high and reach for that thriving life!
Sharon Shenker, Founder of Divorce Support Plus
http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca
http://www.lovingtherightways.com
(The Rebuilding Checklist was originally created by Sharon Shenker for Quiz: Are You Stuck in Splitsville?)
If you prefer to fill out an interactive format, you can go to their site to find out if you're still stuck in break-up more or if you're on your way to a new life, with new challenges and rewards.
We've all seen people who divorced ten or twenty yeas ago and still talk or act as if their life has been ruined by their former spouse, right? Well, when I meet or hear about someone like that I always wonder how different their lives could have been if they had gotten some help to go through the whole grief and recovery process years ago... to be able to rebuild their life successfully.
So, whether you are presently in the midst of a breakup of still dealing with the residual feelings from a relationship long gone, TODAY can be a major turning point in your life, healing, and rebuilding by taking the following quiz to see how well you're doing in your recovery and growth.
Take a look at this 'rebuilding after a divorce' checklist:
1. On an average day I feel:
A. life is not worth living without my partner; I feel like such a failure.
B. an occasional feeling of concern for the future but mostly excited for what the future holds as I reach new goals.
C. like I'm bouncing around from doom and gloom to scared and anxious, and occasionally excited.
D. a bit sad about what could or should have been, but I've mostly accepted that we're getting divorced.
2. How much of the 'failed' relationship do you feel is/was your responsibility?
A. Since a relationship involves two people 50-50 equally, we are each equally accountable for the breakup.
B. Not a single thing. I did everything I could to get my partner to see that s/he needed professional help.
C. I probably did a few things I shouldn't have, but when you're with a partner like I had it's impossible not to.
D. I'm prepared to take 100% responsibility for the relationship ending, even though it was a 50-50 partnership, because I am accountable for 100% of my actions and reactions, so I must have added to the problems at times by either doing something damaging, or not doing something helpful.
3. Post-Divorce relations with my former partner would best be described as:
A. I try to keep an open mind to the fact that neither of us is perfect and we are both doing our best for our children.
B. We differ so much in our points of view and parenting styles that it's almost impossible to have a conversation.
C. Our relations are so difficult but very real - not like all the other liars who say that they forgive and get along with their former partners and treat each other like "friends".
D. In a word: "useless!" I hate my ex and always will. S/He ruined my life because of their lying/cheating/stealing/...
4. When I hear or read that "self-care" is important after a split, I immediately think:
A. I go out every Friday night and have a great time! I don't know how much more I can do when it comes to self-care.
B. Self-care? You've got to be kidding me! Get out of bed, dressing and eating is all I can do right now.
C. My friends have mentioned self-care and I'm looking into it. I'm learning what it means, how it can help me and what I need to do.
D. I'm not relying on anyone else to care for me. I'm caring for myself and taking responsibility for my own health and personal growth.
5. My children hear me saying something nice or positive about their other parent:
A. Never. There's nothing positive or nice to say.
B. They haven't yet, but I'm working on it. I know it's important to them.
C. At least once a week - usually before or after the exchange.
D. I do it all the time. After all, my former partner is their other parent.
6. Since the divorce, my feelings about love are best described as:
A. I consider this break-up to be a failure on my part. I truly doubt that I have the ability to ever have a lasting relationship.
B. I look forward to falling in love again. Only next time, it will be with someone I know better and we love each other the right way.
C. Like the book says, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Obviously, men and women don't belong together.
D. I'm trying to learn my lessons from this divorce so that I'll be able to create a better relationship next time around.
7. In light of handling new routines, schedules and activities, how do new goals fit into your life now?
A. I think change happens in stages, so I've set new goals, made some accomplishments, and look forward to many more.
B. Everyone expects so much of me yet do nothing for me or I have to wait forever when I ask for something. I don't have the opportunity to set new goals.
C. I've started setting some goals but am still struggling to get the routine stuff under control. I'm sure I will soon, though.
D. I'm totally overwhelmed! New goals are not a priority and won't be for quite some time - if ever.
8. Right now, my view on support groups, coaching or participating in a relationship review is:
A. I would love to try something but I have no idea where to find these services or who to call.
B. Nothing is going to change the past, so why bother?
C. I don't think they're for me. A friend tried getting outside help and said it wasn't worth it.
D. I take advantage of every opportunity for personal growth. Learning my lessons, with outside help, really allows me to move forward.
9. After everything I've been through with this divorce, putting myself out there to date is:
A. A very scary idea. I don't know if my heart can handle another disappointment.
B. I certainly expect to fall madly in love one day. I have a list of the characteristics I'm looking for in a partner and look for "the one" everywhere I go.
C. I'm exciting about meeting new people now that I've reviewed my relationship history and I understand my needs and wants better.
D. I believe in love, but not looking for it. If it's meant to happen, love will find me.
10. Are you putting out positive energy to others around you?
A. I'm so glad I'm doing well enough to give to others by volunteering/acknowledging the success of others.
B. I've been trying to come out my shell and have been catching up with friends and family.
C. I'm focusing on myself right now so I can't really dedicate any time and energy on others.
D. I avoid people to the extent of isolating myself since I have nothing to give, so it's isn't a problem.
Here's the way to calculate your score:
1. A=0, B=3, C=1, D=2
2. A=2, B=0, C=1, D=3
3. A=3, B=2, C=1, D=0
4. A=1, B=0, C=2, D=3
5. A=0, B=1, C=2, D=3
6. A=1, B=3, C=0, D=2
7. A=3, B=1, C=2, D=0
8. A=2, B=0, C=1, D=3
9. A=0, B=2, C=3, D=1
10. A=3, B=2, C=1, D=0
Tally up your total and see how well you are doing.
Score : 1-9 is Stuck in splitsville
It sounds as though you haven't been able to deal with the sadness and anger that normally come with divorce recovery. It could that the split is fairly recent or it's just taking you time to work though the hurt. On the other hand, you may be stuck because you haven't accepted your own share of responsibility for the break-up of your marriage. Sure, you may feel that you have every right to blame your ex, but unless you start to take responsibility for your part of the relationship, and accept that it just did not work out for the two of you together, moving forward will be difficult - if not impossible. You might want to learn more about 'the emotional divorce' being a normal part of the process and consider having open, honest conversation with a coach or counselor. Remember, you can do it!
Score : 10-20 is Heading out of town
As the saying goes, "You've come a long way, baby!" But, you're not quite where you want to be yet. Remember that there isn't a time limit on how long you should take to work your way through the emotions that normally come with divorce. Yet, if you're feeling that you have made some progress but can't seem to get where you want to be, you may need some help. Think about it as 'making the the rest of your life the best years of your life'. Do you want to start dating again some day, but feel a touch insecure or scared? Maybe you want to take some classes or change careers and would benefit from some guidance. Perhaps your goal is to accept your ex for who they are and start working together at being the best co-parents you can each be for the children? Whatever it is that you're working towards, know that you CAN do it! Continue to make time for yourself to learn more about the 'emotional divorce' and consider learning from others who have 'been there and done that.' You would be able to reach your goals much faster, and easier, if you reach out for some help from someone who works at helping others get through a divorce, and over the humps... to thrive. Keep going, you're almost there!
Score : 21-30 is So over it!
Congratulations! It sounds like you've worked through your divorce, or have cleared major hurdles in splitsville. Sure, it may have been tough at times, but you've come out of it with your head held high and your confidence intact. If you have set goals for yourself, now is the time to fine-tune your plan for achieving them. Just remember that during the healing process you can still go through a setback now and then. Don't let it get you down, and do not take it as meaning you are a failure; it's just part of the process. To keep yourself working toward your new and rewarding life, don't feel as if you have to do it alone. For the finishing touches on your journey, you can hire a coach to help you out and to be sure that you do not repeat any of the negative patterns from this past relationship, or from your family of origin.
Keep your head high and reach for that thriving life!
Sharon Shenker, Founder of Divorce Support Plus
http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca
http://www.lovingtherightways.com
(The Rebuilding Checklist was originally created by Sharon Shenker for Quiz: Are You Stuck in Splitsville?)
If you prefer to fill out an interactive format, you can go to their site to find out if you're still stuck in break-up more or if you're on your way to a new life, with new challenges and rewards.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
What if your relationship went sexless?
Whether a relationship begins with two people as high-school sweethearts, two adults who meet at work, through mutual friends, family members or even at their church or synagogue, there is no guarantee that the glorious stage of infatuation and/or lust, will last.
A lot of couples would be thrilled if just the fun of regular dates, the desire to impress each other by attentively listening to all the stories and regular signs of appreciation or even mild interest were still around, but they are still having sexual relations. Do you think it's because they still love each other and the couples that no longer have sex, no longer love each other? I don't. I know for a fact that a lot of people who have no love, lust, or even like for their partner will still have sex with them and stay in the relationship. And, a lot of couples who still love each other aren't having much sex, if any.
Quite often by the time a couple is together a few years, long enough for the infatuation stage to end, they are either living together, married and/or have a child... and, their sex life has fallen to the wayside due to work and family responsibilities, fatigue or brewing problems.
It isn't uncommon for both members of a couple to lose interest in sex because there just isn't enough energy left by the end of the day. Routine sex, rather than passionate nights, make it less exciting and no big a deal to do without. Snoring has the couple sleeping in separate bedrooms. Different bed time schedules make it impossible, or kids falling asleep in mom and dad's bed result in pajamas and separate sides of the bed.
There are lots of reasons that a couple can describe their relationship as "sexless." And, I have witnessed a lot of times in couple's coaching that prove the term to be very subjective. By that I mean that it can be explained as, "we haven't had sex in over a year, actually maybe two years", or "s/he only agreed to sex once a month if I practically begged for it before I got fed up and began looking elsewhere."
It isn't just men or women as gender specific, but specific men and women who can very clearly have different needs. Sometimes a couple might be in turmoil because one partner expects to have relations every day, or a few times a day, and the other is pleased to only be intimate once a month. They might even have discovered this when they were dating, other times after the children came along, but they may love each other and decide to stay together and work it out.
What if your sex life was/is not satisfying and you are not sure why?
A lovely couple came to see me a few years back, with both of them upset about how their relationship was and neither of them understanding why. It turned out that the wife had been raped years before they even met, by a man who had approached her from behind. And, sure enough, her husband often showed his affection to her with a hug from behind while she was cooking, doing her hair, brushing her teeth, etc. Although she had never told him about the rape because she thought she was over it, his surprise shows of affection had brought back the memory, and the fear.Once they talked it over, and he agreed to speak up before grabbing, their intimacy and passion returned.
I once worked with a sexless couple that was not partaking because she had gained about fifty pounds and was no longer attractive to her man... so he went to peep shows and watched online porn when she was not aware. The solution was easy. He seriously joined her weight loss efforts by going with her for daily walks, taking up tennis together, no longer bringing junk food home for easy meals, (he learned how to cook!) and taking over with the kids so she had time to go to the gym. Last I heard they were trying, quite regularly, for another child.
Would you stay in a sexless relationship? If you did would you actually abstain?
An older female client told me about a younger married man who kept contacting her online, trying to get her to agree to meeting for some fun on the side since his relationship was so bad that they weren't having relations and he felt attracted to her from a picture he saw of her full figure. With a little self-esteem and personal growth work, she chose to keep her self-respect and turned him away... and she wondered if his wife knew what he was up to.
So, what if you discovered that your partner, whom you adored, was having relations while he was out of town for work? Infidelity can happen in any relationship, obviously. The couple that comes to mind, came to me because the wife had recently found out that her husband had a girlfriend where he worked most of the year, in China. As communication opened up, things only got worse, as she found out that the weekly massages he had been getting for years because he was 'stressed and missed being touched' actually included manual stimulation, or, a hand-job... and dancing later! Which was how he met his pregnant girlfriend. They got divorced after he refused to change his lifestyle.
What do you expect in your relationship, and what would you put up with?
Sharon Shenker
Founder, Divorce Support Plus
http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca
http://www.lovingtherightways.com
Phone: 514.804.3585
A lot of couples would be thrilled if just the fun of regular dates, the desire to impress each other by attentively listening to all the stories and regular signs of appreciation or even mild interest were still around, but they are still having sexual relations. Do you think it's because they still love each other and the couples that no longer have sex, no longer love each other? I don't. I know for a fact that a lot of people who have no love, lust, or even like for their partner will still have sex with them and stay in the relationship. And, a lot of couples who still love each other aren't having much sex, if any.
Quite often by the time a couple is together a few years, long enough for the infatuation stage to end, they are either living together, married and/or have a child... and, their sex life has fallen to the wayside due to work and family responsibilities, fatigue or brewing problems.
It isn't uncommon for both members of a couple to lose interest in sex because there just isn't enough energy left by the end of the day. Routine sex, rather than passionate nights, make it less exciting and no big a deal to do without. Snoring has the couple sleeping in separate bedrooms. Different bed time schedules make it impossible, or kids falling asleep in mom and dad's bed result in pajamas and separate sides of the bed.
There are lots of reasons that a couple can describe their relationship as "sexless." And, I have witnessed a lot of times in couple's coaching that prove the term to be very subjective. By that I mean that it can be explained as, "we haven't had sex in over a year, actually maybe two years", or "s/he only agreed to sex once a month if I practically begged for it before I got fed up and began looking elsewhere."
It isn't just men or women as gender specific, but specific men and women who can very clearly have different needs. Sometimes a couple might be in turmoil because one partner expects to have relations every day, or a few times a day, and the other is pleased to only be intimate once a month. They might even have discovered this when they were dating, other times after the children came along, but they may love each other and decide to stay together and work it out.
What if your sex life was/is not satisfying and you are not sure why?
A lovely couple came to see me a few years back, with both of them upset about how their relationship was and neither of them understanding why. It turned out that the wife had been raped years before they even met, by a man who had approached her from behind. And, sure enough, her husband often showed his affection to her with a hug from behind while she was cooking, doing her hair, brushing her teeth, etc. Although she had never told him about the rape because she thought she was over it, his surprise shows of affection had brought back the memory, and the fear.Once they talked it over, and he agreed to speak up before grabbing, their intimacy and passion returned.
I once worked with a sexless couple that was not partaking because she had gained about fifty pounds and was no longer attractive to her man... so he went to peep shows and watched online porn when she was not aware. The solution was easy. He seriously joined her weight loss efforts by going with her for daily walks, taking up tennis together, no longer bringing junk food home for easy meals, (he learned how to cook!) and taking over with the kids so she had time to go to the gym. Last I heard they were trying, quite regularly, for another child.
Would you stay in a sexless relationship? If you did would you actually abstain?
An older female client told me about a younger married man who kept contacting her online, trying to get her to agree to meeting for some fun on the side since his relationship was so bad that they weren't having relations and he felt attracted to her from a picture he saw of her full figure. With a little self-esteem and personal growth work, she chose to keep her self-respect and turned him away... and she wondered if his wife knew what he was up to.
So, what if you discovered that your partner, whom you adored, was having relations while he was out of town for work? Infidelity can happen in any relationship, obviously. The couple that comes to mind, came to me because the wife had recently found out that her husband had a girlfriend where he worked most of the year, in China. As communication opened up, things only got worse, as she found out that the weekly massages he had been getting for years because he was 'stressed and missed being touched' actually included manual stimulation, or, a hand-job... and dancing later! Which was how he met his pregnant girlfriend. They got divorced after he refused to change his lifestyle.
What do you expect in your relationship, and what would you put up with?
Sharon Shenker
Founder, Divorce Support Plus
http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca
http://www.lovingtherightways.com
Phone: 514.804.3585
Monday, July 19, 2010
Stilettos and Cleavage or Natual Beauty, Which does Your Guy Prefer?
Over the years I have worked with so many couples that had trouble connecting... in the bedroom. They literally lost that loving feeling for each other and could not even imagine kissing or touching each other when they first came to see me. Imagine being in a relationship with such a disconnect!
There was one couple, she in her mid-thirties first marriage, him around fifty on his second marriage, that was in BIG trouble. He was so ready to walk out on her and she had no idea why. They married quickly because she had gotten pregnant within a few short months, even though he was considering ending their relationship. Ahh, what a warning sign! Well, back to this article...
This particular couple had not even found an attraction base for their marriage. They had a five year old daughter that was well taken care of, although each parent disagreed as to who the better parent was. They lived in a nice home according to him, not her. His family was normal and considerate of their space and hers was intrusive and controlling - according to him. And, so on, and so on.... but what really helped pull this couple together was rather cute. I found out that he daydreamed about her showing she cared enough about him by fixing herself up just once in a while. They had stopped having sex over a year ago and he could no longer imagine ever having 'those feelings' for her again.
He just did not feel turned on by her natural beauty. Her wavy hair was so wild she kept it short like a boy, according to him, and she never wore makeup because she thought her freckled face was still youthful and cute like when she was a kid. But, to him she did not look like a woman with sex appeal. He wanted a woman who worn stilettos and showed some cleavage.
So, soon after finding this out, I spoke with her in her next private session about putting some effort into spicing up her sex appeal for him, her husband, the only man she wanted to attract in that way. And, what success we had! A few days after my talk with her I received a phone call from him that I will never forget. He called to say, "I know it was you, and I can't thank you enough!" I played dumb, and said; "what are you talking about?'
He was at work and could hardly wait to get home because when his wife came down to leave for work she was wearing a beautiful low-cut top, a skirt that showed leg, and high heels. He couldn't believe his eyes, she even had makeup on and had done something with her hair that blew his mind. He was thrilled.
What he did not know was that she had her running shoes and both a pair of pants and t-shirt in her car for work... but she had finally done what her guy preferred and we had a base to work with. They continued working with me and dramatically changed and saved their marriage!
So... what does YOUR GUY prefer?
http://webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/se-sexy
Does he know what you prefer?And, are you BOTH Loving Each Other The Right Way???
(Don't tell me you're too old because Sexy is Ageless!!!)
Talk to you again soon,
Sharon Shenker
Founder, Divorce Support Plus
http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca
http://www.lovingtherightways.com
Phone: 514.804.3585
There was one couple, she in her mid-thirties first marriage, him around fifty on his second marriage, that was in BIG trouble. He was so ready to walk out on her and she had no idea why. They married quickly because she had gotten pregnant within a few short months, even though he was considering ending their relationship. Ahh, what a warning sign! Well, back to this article...
This particular couple had not even found an attraction base for their marriage. They had a five year old daughter that was well taken care of, although each parent disagreed as to who the better parent was. They lived in a nice home according to him, not her. His family was normal and considerate of their space and hers was intrusive and controlling - according to him. And, so on, and so on.... but what really helped pull this couple together was rather cute. I found out that he daydreamed about her showing she cared enough about him by fixing herself up just once in a while. They had stopped having sex over a year ago and he could no longer imagine ever having 'those feelings' for her again.
He just did not feel turned on by her natural beauty. Her wavy hair was so wild she kept it short like a boy, according to him, and she never wore makeup because she thought her freckled face was still youthful and cute like when she was a kid. But, to him she did not look like a woman with sex appeal. He wanted a woman who worn stilettos and showed some cleavage.
So, soon after finding this out, I spoke with her in her next private session about putting some effort into spicing up her sex appeal for him, her husband, the only man she wanted to attract in that way. And, what success we had! A few days after my talk with her I received a phone call from him that I will never forget. He called to say, "I know it was you, and I can't thank you enough!" I played dumb, and said; "what are you talking about?'
He was at work and could hardly wait to get home because when his wife came down to leave for work she was wearing a beautiful low-cut top, a skirt that showed leg, and high heels. He couldn't believe his eyes, she even had makeup on and had done something with her hair that blew his mind. He was thrilled.
What he did not know was that she had her running shoes and both a pair of pants and t-shirt in her car for work... but she had finally done what her guy preferred and we had a base to work with. They continued working with me and dramatically changed and saved their marriage!
So... what does YOUR GUY prefer?
http://webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/se-sexy
Does he know what you prefer?And, are you BOTH Loving Each Other The Right Way???
(Don't tell me you're too old because Sexy is Ageless!!!)
Talk to you again soon,
Sharon Shenker
Founder, Divorce Support Plus
http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca
http://www.lovingtherightways.com
Phone: 514.804.3585
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